Do you ever just get frustrated....

I don't know even where to begin.....I have felt like all I do is fight for what I want and what is best for my family.... and I am getting sooooo tired.

Today I got the news that we have to PAY for taxes - Welcome to Married life here's a bill for $1,000. Congrats. Apparently I didn't take enough out on my W-2 last year... that's getting fixed immediately. I am just sitting here thinking how elated I was just a few days ago because our financial situation was finally looking up.

Then to add insult to injury I spent an hour on the phone with CHARTER. I don't know if I have ever felt so much anger in my WHOLE life as I did today. We choose to have cable I know what your thinking but Charter has arraged it in such a way that you get hooked by a great deal and 6 months later you raked over the coals..... I know it shouldn't matter but my frustration level is heightened when the person on the other end of the phone...rep and supervisor can't speak English. I know tons of people out of work.... why can't they have those jobs so I don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time just trying to bridge the communication barriers.... SO FRUSTRATED.

Then I have finally decided that I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! This is a big deal for me, for those who don't know. I have been the "big" girl for years. Before I was a Christian I blamed it on my excessive drinking.... now - I have no excuses. My body hurts because I am carrying so much extra weight. It doesn't help the fibro..... and when I told my Rheumatologist that I just hurt so badly- in a way that only a person with chronic pain will understand - he says... go work out. Man, skinny people always have the answer. Doesn't he know that I cry after I get off the treadmill - that it hurts to get past the back pain and shin splint and how when I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable because of the pain - I don' t feel motivated to work out at 6am.

So I have decided that I have to do something about this. I decided to look at some gyms and see what we could do. Now, with what I knew, we're getting ahead - we could finally afford for me to go. We went to Bally's - and after Saturday I was singing their praises. They said that there was a promotion if we signed up by Sunday - being that I was a former member back in the day - a year membership for me would be $99- and to add Michael it would be $18.50/ month. The sales/trainer guy even said that I could 2 months of training for $200-. I went back Sunday - again singing their praises and gave them $99, and wanting to sign on the dotted line for Michael. This was a savings of $15/month from his plan and I get to go too. They called me yesterday - my renewal had still not been processed and they didn't know if the promotion would be valid....

So tonight after 1 HOUR of going back and forth - they were telling me that I had paid $99 and Michael would have to pay A LOT more......are you Flipping KIDDING ME HERE. I don' t think they would have said that if they had known I as on the phone with Charter for an Hour. I was thinking, I'd walk in sign on the dotted line and go and work out. No - I am still in trainer-man's office hearing about how sorry he is but he's controlled by Corporate. I know better - I demand he call his district manager. It got worked out but not without a fight. He must not know the determination of a fat girl wanting a new body......He doesn't know how much I need this and if I could afford to be without an income I would beg and plead to be on "Biggest Loser." I am sick of being the Fat girl.....I had one summer in my whole life where I turned heads.....people saw me for the first time without shaking their heads or saying under their breath ...she'd be pretty if she'd just loose the weight. I am going to battle with the demon that has beat me down for years.... I am going to WAR. And my life depends on winning. And now... I have to find the strength to fight - I am tired today.... I feel like the bullies hit me one after the others... and all I could do was get in a few swings.

And in times like these .... "put your hope in Jesus" just isn't cutting it. I am just going to try and make it though another day.... and keep getting in a few swings at a time and hope that Jesus gives me the strength to do it.