Good News all Around

So I wanted to share some good news with all (my faithful few) people who keep up to date with my blog.

I should have posted about this last week but ... now is better than never.
1. I am cancer free - my biopsy came back negative. This is a huge victory. I go back in July for another pap just to see if everything is still good. What my prayer is that the virus in my cervix which is causing all the trouble would be GONE!
2. I met with my trainer on Friday for our first full session. I have to weigh in before we get started. I had lost 2 lbs since Tuesday. Not a huge biggest loser moment but ... it's a huge start for me. So since my last doctor's appointment in Feb. I have lost and kept off 6 lbs. YEAH! These little victories are keeping me motivated. Who knows what this weeks weigh in has in store for me... I went to Crackle Barrel yesterday.... and although it was my only meal....I know it wasn't the best choice. I justified it by my hour at the gym today....don't think my trainer will see it that way since I was scolded for eating "1" donut.....mind you I picked up 2 dozen from Lamar's and had them sitting in front of me all day.. and I only ate one. That was a victory for me... she didn't see it that way.

Another week ...another struggle with food

I have a HUGE midterm this week. I am hoping I don't blow my diet.... since I tend to snack a lot when I study.

Moving in the right direction - Finally

So today I started working out with a trainer. She and I will be meeting once a week for personally inflicted pain. Today was my first ...get to know you, let me tell you how bad you're off meeting. She told me that I have a "black girl bootie beginning"....Curved back w/ big butt term (it must be a technical trainer term - who knew?).

I know I have hired her, and she's there to help me but I felt judged by her during our session. I know it's only in my head - but I felt shame in working out with her. I know that I have done the hardest part - getting started. But, I some how felt weak in needing help. A topic I know I will explore in counseling this week.

But as for me, I'll be watching the Biggest Loser tonight and I will at the gym tomorrow.

How did....

How did Easter go from this:

To this?

Somewhere between there and here.... we've lost sight of what Easter is all about. And the most appauling thing I've seen this season is .....Chocolate Jesus. It is so wrong, I just cringed when I saw it. Christ, during the Easter season should envoke: awe, greatfulness, rejoicing, thanksgiving... NOT hunger or a need to indulge in chocolate.

Happy Easter

My good friend, Jen Martin - sent this to me and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Please click on the link below and have your sound on.

https://webmail.covenantseminary.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf

Will I allow it to happen?

I just finished watching my favorite show, The Biggest Loser. Every week I go through this struggle with all these people who are just like me. If I could only get a week with Jillian, I would count it as priceless. I am the contestants... I am just at home fighting for my life without trainers, nutritionist, cameras and 6 hours a day to work out.

My favorite contestant was voted out tonight, Brittany. When she returned her mother raved about her success and then said, "She had so much pain in her weight." And a light bulb went off....My weight is my pain. I always say my pain is for God's purpose. It's the whole reason I am pursuing youth ministry. All my mistakes, my horrible family life, the eating disorder, suicide attempts, abuse, it was all for God's purposes to help some girl out there who I can encourage and show her God's faithfulness through how He redeems us (with our mistakes). And now I have one more pain to get rid of. I don't know why I never felt that I wasn't worth it. But I haven't and I think today.... I am going to start believing that I am worth it. I want to prove my family wrong. I can be thin. I can be beautiful. I am lucky to have my husband (he's fabulous... and gorgeous) but I want people to say ... whoa, how did he get her? Instead of the other way around.

When I accepted Christ as our Savior, I gave him Lordship over our life. But for some reason I didn't think he need control over my weight - I thought that was up to me, my burden to bare. And I though I was a lost cause, so why try. I can throw every burden at Him, and He carries it for me. I think for once I am going to tap into His power and trust Him to help me become a new physical creation, since He's reconstructed my spiritual self.

I will not be the exception in my family - I will be thin - because I deserve to be healthy and happy. I have lived my life saying ... it's my dad's genetics and my sisters are built like my mom. Well, I can't do anything about losing my hair like my dad ... but I am sure as heck going to lose this weight regardless of who I take after. The only person who can get in the way of my success at this point is me. And I am sick of losing to my self.

Cat gone wild....

So I realized in looking at my blog - I forgot to share with you what happend with my cat at the vet a week or so ago (overshaddowed by frustrating day). I am usually one of those proud pet parents who brags about my furkids. My dog is well behaved, loves the vet and is usually great with other dogs. I have referred to my cat as being more like a dog than a cat. He comes when he's called. The minute you come home he is waiting by the door. He is always giving you his belly to rub. He follows me around and will lay by me. And He loves company. You're thinking ... I don't like cats but maybe I'd like yours (I mean look at how cute he is in his picture to the left)..... yeah and then....

We went to the vet. I now know how those women in the grocery store feel as their child is having a knock down all out fit with zero control. And they just want to hide or leave the store as soon as possible. I have been a bad cat parent. I have had Leo for 2 years and since he's never had contact with any other cat or the outside world - I didn't feel a huge rush to take him to the vet. He's been increasingly interested in the outside - especially with the outside (stray) cats who have been spraying my back door. So .... with this crazy meowing .... at all hours of the night and his recent spraying (as to graffiti my door back to send a message to the cats outside), I have decided that it's time to loose his manhood and become a respectable cat.

Now remember ... My cat is the cool cat. Forgetting how tramatized my cat was when I put him in his carrier when I moved, I put him in his carrier hoping for the best. HE WAS FUMING MAD! He chilled out a little when we entered the vet. I think he was in a state of shock.

We get called into the room and I am starting to think this is not going to be fun or easy. The dog got weighed... fine needs to loose 5 lbs. The Vet tech takes Leo right out of his cage no problem.....this is weird. She weighs him and allows him to wander around the office until the doctor comes in to give him his shots. I don't know what happened in the 5 minutes after that but Leo FREAKED OUT..... I don't know if it was all the smells... or a message left on the wall in smells warning all other cats.... but the Doctor came in and Michael went to pick Leo up and HE FREAKED OUT.

Hissing and jumping at least 4 feet into the air.... I was like WHOA.....He became ninja kitty. The vet tech decided she was going to pick him up using a towel - not gloves as my husband (former vet school student) suggested to me would have protected her from what's about to happen. She proceeds to get Leo by the head.... a kitty head lock.... oh yeah... and Leo is more mad than before... he jumps (leaps backwards) out of the head lock and his anger is even more elevated. Now at this point I am sitting in the corner with Chewy, my dog, on a leash trying to calm him since he's getting really upset at the idea that there are 3 humans trying to torture his cat. He gets all jumpy and we're asked to leave....At this point I felt like a failure as a pet parent and that his behavior was a direct correlation to my pet owning skills. I start justifying his behavior to everyone, "He's not like this at home. I have never seen him react this way." Meanwhile, my husband is blocking the cat from hiding under things in the office, the vet tech still has her towel of captivity, and now the vet has went into the back to retreive the secret weapon.......... a Fishing Net. They were able to finally scoop Leo up into the net put him on the table get him his shots before SHOVING him into his carrier. Oh yeah, ...... in the process he bit the vet tech. Those gloves would have come in handy there. Now Leo has a mark on his permanent record [[[[[[WARNING: BAD TEMPERED CAT/ PROCEED WITH CAUTION]]]]] I felt so ashamed.

He's not like that at home is the only thing I could do, accompanied by "I am sorry" to everyone who worked there. The doctor decided that we would in fact not need another round of shots before his neuter and that they would just administer the shots while he was knocked out while the procedure was going on. I think that's best for all parties involved.

His manhood removal will be happening on the 27th at 7am and then carpets, walls and doors will be thoroughly cleaned. I hope everyone walks away from this with as little trama as possible.

So I have realized...

Friends don't let friends post mad......I would like to say I am sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. I think I have lost (or never possessed) the ability to sugar coat things. This is a good thing but it can also cause me to look back and wish for do-overs. That said, I hope if nothing else you will be cheering me on as I go to the gym and attempt this mythical thing called "loosing weight."

New subject:
I would like to just take this opportunity to say that I have the best wedding photographer in the world! No fluff. Today, I got the great pleasure of sitting down with them to look at ordering photos from our wedding....(I know what you're thinking.... and yes - it's taken us 9 months to order our photos). They are so patient and so kind and AMAZINGLY creative. We were able to really think outside the box and get pictures I know I will love having on my walls for years to come. Thank you Bobbi Brinkman Photography. Thank you Bobbi and Tina!

Do you ever just get frustrated....

I don't know even where to begin.....I have felt like all I do is fight for what I want and what is best for my family.... and I am getting sooooo tired.

Today I got the news that we have to PAY for taxes - Welcome to Married life here's a bill for $1,000. Congrats. Apparently I didn't take enough out on my W-2 last year... that's getting fixed immediately. I am just sitting here thinking how elated I was just a few days ago because our financial situation was finally looking up.

Then to add insult to injury I spent an hour on the phone with CHARTER. I don't know if I have ever felt so much anger in my WHOLE life as I did today. We choose to have cable I know what your thinking but Charter has arraged it in such a way that you get hooked by a great deal and 6 months later you raked over the coals..... I know it shouldn't matter but my frustration level is heightened when the person on the other end of the phone...rep and supervisor can't speak English. I know tons of people out of work.... why can't they have those jobs so I don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time just trying to bridge the communication barriers.... SO FRUSTRATED.

Then I have finally decided that I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! This is a big deal for me, for those who don't know. I have been the "big" girl for years. Before I was a Christian I blamed it on my excessive drinking.... now - I have no excuses. My body hurts because I am carrying so much extra weight. It doesn't help the fibro..... and when I told my Rheumatologist that I just hurt so badly- in a way that only a person with chronic pain will understand - he says... go work out. Man, skinny people always have the answer. Doesn't he know that I cry after I get off the treadmill - that it hurts to get past the back pain and shin splint and how when I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable because of the pain - I don' t feel motivated to work out at 6am.

So I have decided that I have to do something about this. I decided to look at some gyms and see what we could do. Now, with what I knew, we're getting ahead - we could finally afford for me to go. We went to Bally's - and after Saturday I was singing their praises. They said that there was a promotion if we signed up by Sunday - being that I was a former member back in the day - a year membership for me would be $99- and to add Michael it would be $18.50/ month. The sales/trainer guy even said that I could 2 months of training for $200-. I went back Sunday - again singing their praises and gave them $99, and wanting to sign on the dotted line for Michael. This was a savings of $15/month from his plan and I get to go too. They called me yesterday - my renewal had still not been processed and they didn't know if the promotion would be valid....

So tonight after 1 HOUR of going back and forth - they were telling me that I had paid $99 and Michael would have to pay A LOT more......are you Flipping KIDDING ME HERE. I don' t think they would have said that if they had known I as on the phone with Charter for an Hour. I was thinking, I'd walk in sign on the dotted line and go and work out. No - I am still in trainer-man's office hearing about how sorry he is but he's controlled by Corporate. I know better - I demand he call his district manager. It got worked out but not without a fight. He must not know the determination of a fat girl wanting a new body......He doesn't know how much I need this and if I could afford to be without an income I would beg and plead to be on "Biggest Loser." I am sick of being the Fat girl.....I had one summer in my whole life where I turned heads.....people saw me for the first time without shaking their heads or saying under their breath ...she'd be pretty if she'd just loose the weight. I am going to battle with the demon that has beat me down for years.... I am going to WAR. And my life depends on winning. And now... I have to find the strength to fight - I am tired today.... I feel like the bullies hit me one after the others... and all I could do was get in a few swings.

And in times like these .... "put your hope in Jesus" just isn't cutting it. I am just going to try and make it though another day.... and keep getting in a few swings at a time and hope that Jesus gives me the strength to do it.

Babies Everywhere

It seems like lately all I hear about is babies....don't get me wrong babies are a blessing from God. But every day, I hear about another person either having a baby or being pregnant. It's enough to make anyone stop and take notice (and realize you don't have one).

Michael and I have not even been married 10 months. So no.... we are not having a baby any time soon. But I am hit with the reality that I will be 31 this year and Michael will be 33. All this baby excitement can go to my head, or should I say heart, more quickly than I would like. With all these new babies around, the benefit is that I can hold, snuggle, love, and spoil these children and then give them back.

We are going to be babysitting for the Fogas's on Saturday so I will be getting my baby fix and like I mentioned....then giving her back. One day we'll have our own and I have to be honest, I hoping it sooner than later. I am starting to get "baby fever" but then again - I don't like getting left out of all this excitment. One thing I know for sure, I have a deep desire and longing to be a mother. And one way or another, sooner or later - God will honor that desire IN HIS PERFECT TIMING.