News from the Rheumatolgist

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It explains my many years of chronic pain, that in the past few years has become worse to the point that I cannot sleep. However, it does not explain why my cervical issues persist. One thing at a time, I guess. My doctor said that is from prolonged periods of high stress and anxiety, along with inconsistent exercise. This is me...! So I have been put on medicine that I will start taking tomorrow (didn't do it during finals because it makes you drowsy.) It will help my joint pain...help me sleep and also will give me the relief I need to endure working out again. Did I say..it will help me sleep - YEAH - more than 4 hours at a time will be great.

Here's some information for those of you who are not familiar w/ Fibromyalgia:

*Fibromyalgia is a physical condition that can also affect your mood. It is not "all in your head." However, like many people who have chronic pain, people with fibromyalgia are more likely to have depression and may require specific treatment for it.

*Stress and depression can often make fibromyalgia worse. Dealing with the symptoms of fibromyalgia can itself cause stress and depression. This cycle can become very frustrating.

*Fibromyalgia does not cause permanent damage to the muscles or joints. For some people, however, chronic pain does disrupt daily life and makes certain activities more difficult. Home treatment to control your pain and other symptoms may allow you to continue your usual activities.

*Most people can manage their symptoms with the help of their regular doctors. If necessary, seeing a doctor who specializes in treating conditions that affect the joints and muscles (rheumatologist) or a doctor who specializes in physical rehabilitation (physiatrist) may be helpful.

Snow, Snow and More Snow...and oh yeah.. Finals

So it really snowed in St. Louis. More than I have seen since I was a kid and everything seemed big. Here are some photos of our fun in the snow. Seven Inches.....turning into 9 inches
Chewy...Digs his head into the snow like an ostreich.

Michael is just a big kid.

Shak'n it Covenant Style...Christmas Banquet

Michael and I got the chance to go to the Covenant Christmas Banquet. Here are some pictures.

Michael and I

Isn't He cute...

Laura, Kristy and I....smiles all around.

Our First Christmas....

Christmas is my FAVORITE season! I usually make my house look like christmas threw up in side. Every room has decorations. I love Christmas. So naturally the weekend after Thanksgiving, I was begging my husband to go get a tree.

I would have put up the fake tree I had for 4 years but my cat destroyed it last year. So this year, our first Christmas ....we were going to get a real tree. This I thought would be so fun as I remembered back to when I was 7 years old and went out with the whole family to find the perfect tree at the Tree Farm. We'd cut it down, bring it home and in my mind, it was always perfect.

Many of you might not know this but my husband is brilliant yet has the HARDEST time making decisions. I mean he can pick out a movie or his meal at a restaurant but we spent about an hour going back and forth trying to pick a tree in the FREEZING RAIN. This was not optimal tree picking weather. But gosh darn it ... Thanksgiving was over and I wanted my tree.

We found our tree, stuffing it into the back of my Ford Focus... of course it was hanging out the window... oh yeah ... remember it was raining...and cold and we had a the window down. I love my husband, because at this point he could have been really cranky but he was a trooper for me, because I LOVE Christmas.

We decided not to have them mount our tree in a tree stand. Why pay them $20 to do it when we are two capable college graduates? Its a tree stand... how hard can it be?......Famous last words. This became the decision we wished we could take back. It took us a good hour to get the tree in the stand and wiggling it and moving it to make it straight. I also didn't estimate the size so it took some time to find a place where it would fit and then have to rearrange the furniture so it would fit.....Our tree ended up in the dinning room.

Michael had a volleyball game that night. We started to decorating and I was going to demonstrate my tree decorating skills that I bragged about. I have Christmas music on.... pulling out all my old ornaments. Michael at this point was not so happy and full of the spirit as I would have liked but he did spend 1 hour wrestling the tree. Needles were all over the floor. I had imagined our first Christmas tree as such a joyous time... but it was something Michael was begrudingly participated in. Michael put the star up and then got ready for his volleyball game. ..........

I put the finishing touches on the tree and Michael left. I noticed the unstability of the tree as it was crashing to ground. I think the straw that brought the tree to the ground was the Star. I fell to the ground in a puddle of tears. Our first Christmas tree was in shambles on the ground, ornaments thrown about (some broken), and I didn't know if I could get it back up by myself. In utter frustration.... I threw the tree up, leaning it into the corner and I was Flaming MAD. I tried calling him as I was crying... but he was already playing and didn't answer. It was probably a good thing.

I gave up and picked up the ornaments and waited for Micahel to get home. Michael came home and saw how distraught I was and just laughed and patiently helped me get the tree back up. We really rigged this tree. We put weights on the back to keep it from tipping over and even put pieces of wood under it to see if we could even it out. We started to decorate again... Michael now in the mood I hoped be in when we first started this process. We laughed, told Christmas stories, and hung ornaments. We finished the tree. It had a "gangster lean" to it but it was up.

So we got it up.... got a do over for hanging the tree and survived. I think we're going to get a fake tree for next year though.....

I Know there is a lot I should blog about BUT....

I have so much to blog on ... Mizzou loosing, Michael & I and our first christmas tree, our 6 month anniversary.... but I am feel led to blog about this FIRST....

MOVIE TRAILER HAS BEEN RELEASED

Coming to a Theater....May 30, 2008

http://movies.aol.com//movie/sex-and-the-city-2008/30247/video/trailer-no-1/2033774

Watch and Get EXCITED!

Praise...and Confession

Hallelujah! Praise God from heaven, praise him from the mountaintops; Praise him, all you his angels, praise him, all you his warriors, Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, you morning stars; Praise him, high heaven, praise him, heavenly rain clouds; Praise, oh let them praise the name of God— he spoke the word, and there they were!

Psalms 148:1 (Msg.)

So ... I got the call from Green Tree Auto and Tire ......and it was only a clamp that broke from a hose.... $56.00 - PRAISE GOD. And ...Michael only minimally freaked out.

I confess humbly at the feet of my gracious Savior...He is always faithful when I am everything but faithful or even prayerful, thinking that things are beyond His control or out of His care. He cares for me and everything that I care for. I have a too frenquent tendancies to forget this... and in that I realize how much I am undeserving of the grace and mercy Jesus gives me through his sacrifice and not mine (which is always insufficient). My control freak tendancies get in the way of being a servant dependant on the FAITHFUL SAVIOR!

Carin and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Alexander and I are both moving to Australia..... because cars don't break down in Australia
(EVERY MONTH)

All I can say is UGH!

and pray that the day is over sooner than later with minimal cost incurred...

How much do you think a ticket to Australia is?

By the way young or old - if you haven't read this book - it is a must read!

Words

Where have my words gone?

I haven't posted in about 2-3 weeks. It is not that I have nothing to talk about - so much is going on but its mainly personal and I feel I will bore you with the details of my life while you are trying to live your life. I have tried to think of profound things, I mean I am in Seminary... but the words all seem ordinary. I think it's that I have lost the ability to actually name how I am feeling and what's really going on. I think its because I am not sure. Life has been a blur, its all of a sudden Monday and Friday in an instance. School is ... well it's the end of the semester - need I say more and the holidays are coming up which always conjures up a tornado of feelings.

This year will be a new way of thinking and being since I have to share my traditions, time, and space with an entirely new family (like having 3 sets of parents wasn't enough). It will not be as it always has been... it will be different and I am trying to find the joy and beauty in that but it's hard. However, I am excited about traditions Michael and I can start together. It's kind of like a family do-over I am finding out when you now have a family of my own (Michael and I but it's still a family). We've already decided to watch all our favorite Christmas Cartoons after Church on Christmas Eve and drink hot chocolate and just lay on the couch.

If you have any great things you did as a newlywed on your first Christmas - I'd love to hear them.

Joe VS The Volcano Kind of Day

Do you ever feel like this at work?

I love my job but today is a Joe vs. the Volcano kind of day

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This is Michael's creation...he worked 5 hours one this pumkin and I think he did an OUTSTANDING JOB... he has way more patience than I do.

Desi's Homecoming Party

Since Desi left, I have been trying to get her home and it finally worked...but only for a moment. Thanks Desi for sharing your adventure with us. I love you and miss you and can't wait till you're home for Christmas.

Pictures I promised

Pictures from Mizzou....

Pictures to Ponder.....

I WILL BE SPENDING MY ENTIRE WEEKEND DOING HOMEWORK.

• 200 PAGES TO READ
• 1 RESEARCH PAPER (THAT I HAVE AN EXTENSION ON)
• 8 JOURNAL ENTRIES
• RESEARCH ARTICLE FOR ANOTHER CLASS
• GROUP PROJECT MEETING

Can I just graduate soon....? I am tired.

It couldn't have been any SWEETER!

vs
The weekend was great! The game was AMAZING. I will post more but for now...for those who missed the game, here's some highlights.

Going back to the scene of the crime(s)

Michael and I both graduated from Mizzou... however we went to two DIFFERENT schools. My consisted of happy hours and Frat parties while he made the deans list and played in intermural sports. Two people, on the same campus with complete polar opposite experiences.

This weekend we're going back! Mizzou is playing Nebraska and we're going to visit a student who was involved in our youth ministry. We are so excited to go back! I have to admit though... I am a little nervous... there's a lot of skeletons in the closet in Columbia and I am hoping that I am able to keep them in the closet. I will be showing Michael around to MY MIZZOU. We're visiting the restaurant I worked at for 4 year in college, The Pasta Factory (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) and that's saying something since I did work there. After that , were going to a few establishments like Harpo's and maybe even Deja Vu but I definitely will be going by Trops. Oh... the memories.

Saturday is a little different than we expected....the game was moved from 1pm to 8:15pm so I am hoping to go around campus, go by Booches for some burgers and just take in Columbia. But
MIZZOU-RAH!!!!!!! Full update when we get back!

Things they are a Changing......

At my doctor's visit on Monday, my doctor asked that I get a blood test to check for HIV and ANA (Antinuclear Antibodies). I am negative for HIV but positive for ANA. People who test positive for ANA have problems producing good antibodies that produce what the body needs to heal. She has told me that I have to follow up with a Rheumatologist. I am just sick of Doctors. I am sick of being of being sick. I am scared that this could be an indicator of me having Lupus, diabetes, or an autoimmune disease that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I am frustrated that all I want to do is start my life and enjoy being married and start planning for the future but I feel like I can't because all of this is getting in the way.

In a positive light – I am hoping that this might be the missing link to giving me answers to how to get rid of the HPV and stay healthier. I have decided that God is giving me a wake up call and I need to out of Youth ministry for a while – for my health. It is time to take a break and take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am hoping the time I have not going to youth group and meetings, etc. will give me less stress (good for my body), allow me to get more rest, and give me time for things like working out and extra time for studying. I told my youth pastor last night and my kids. I have talked to Michael and we think it is best to fulfill my commitment w/ our 40 days of community program. It lasts until the 24th. So that Wednesday will be my last youth group for a while. I am scared of letting the kids down, of creating staffing problems where they won't have enough people to stay in their home groups and I will miss them. It is not easy making this decision but I can't do ministry when I am able to care for myself.

I am trying to remember that when you follow Jesus - Truly follow him - his path will lead me to the Cross.

Too Much HGTV has finally paid off!

So ... since getting cable - due to the amount of crap on television...I watch a lot of home shows. I have learned a lot from everything from Curb Appeal to redesigning your house with only moving around furniture and add some paint.

Friday night, while I was suppose to be studying - I came up w/ the idea to rearrage my living room. It was really cramped and not very welcoming to having any more than 2 people over. Well since we are renting we can't do much w/ the space issue but Michael and I were able to move it around so there is a better flow to the room and we even able to decorate the walls better - it just fit better.

We are so happy and now we have one more thing to justify our spurge on cable. Thank you HGTV

I feel a sense of "healthy" pride

Today I was able to get to the end of the month for the first time since being married, and we have extra money. I feel a sense of pride that I have been able to pinch pennies enough and has paid off. We are almost credit card debt free. I finally feel like we are getting things to be manageable and organized.

Praise God for curbing my impulse buying and giving me self-control.

My Best Friends Are Back ... TONIGHT!

Grey's is BACK - YYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

Last season left me with so many questions:

1. Did Meredith and Dr. McDreamy (Derrick) really break up?
2. Who will be friends with Callie now that Addison has left to go stink it up on her new show?
3. Where is Miranda going, who will she teach now that Callie took her job?
4. Will George ever let himself love Izzy?
5. Will Ava come back for Alex or will he go after her?
6. Is George and Callie actually going to have a baby?
7. Are Chief and his wife getting back together?
8. Who will be Dr. McDreamy's choice for "the girl he met in the bar" Meredith or her sister?
9. Will Cristina find Burke - and since she probably won't since he got FIRED...will her and Meredith sit in self pity for the first part of the season... geeze.
10. Oh, what will happen to Dr. McSteamy - will he and Meredith get together if she and Derrick did break up?

So many questions ... all to be answered hopefully tonight! I am excited for the "water cooler" talk tomorrow discussing what happened with all our friends.

I GOT WOKEN UP at 2:54 AM

I was woken up by my cat, Leo..... who was doing this to me at almost 3 in the morning to get me out of bed to feed him... he has no patience!

Being that I was asleep - I kind of threw him off the bed twice. He kept coming back until I gave in.

We were meant for community

Community is a deeper level of resposiblity than friendship. We were never meant to be on our own but to live in community. A group of people who will share your highs and lows and be with you throughout. This community has a love not from choice but from GOD, which makes it's motivation from a pure love void of selfish motives. I have expereinced that community through my work and my small group. I have people for the first time who don't try and fix me but sit with me in my misery. They don't tell me to get over it, but they love me through it. Thank you. Thank you also that when you give me the response, "I'll be praying for you" I know that you are because you inquire about it later and you invest in my life.

Thank you for those who know that Life SUCKS! and it's not fair and they can say that w/ out spiritualizing my struggle. I know about grace, mercy and God's providence but I am hurting right now and I don't need the church answer I need the community answer which comes from love and sharing each other's burdens.

I got flowers yesterday and today. It doesn't seem like much but it meant the world to me. I got a call from a friend yesterday that made me cry because she was crying for me in my situation. She said, "it's not fair, it sucks but if you want to just come over ... I am here for you! Even if all you want to do is cry." This is community .... people who are ok with the ugliness of life and don't hide it, swept it under a rug or pretty it up.

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.

Just walk beside me and be my friend.-- Albert Camus

THE TEST RESULTS ARE IN

.......The test came back abnormal with Pre-cancerous cells (HPV) present. I am scheduled for a colposcopy October 1st @ 2:45pm. And so the saga continues.........


I am sick of this...

Sanctification is Painful.....

Sanctification is that continuous operation of the Holy Spirit, by which we become more like Christ. We are perfected; but not yet perfect. The idea that God isn't finished w/ me yet.

I am reading a book, "The Contented Soul" by Lisa Graham McMinn, in my small group which has been very hard to read. It's like putting a large spoonful of peanut butter in your mouth - it takes a while to work on but at the end your craving relief (like from a large glass of milk). This week was especially hard for me.... and I didn't like it ... not one bit.

The chapter talked about The Practice of Fortitude. In the chapter it discusses our suffering and struggles in life are for our benefit and gives examples from her experience of people who have set the example James 1:4 talks about. She writes of her friend Lyle, who clung to the hope, striving towards joy and contentment in spite of his circumstances (Alzheimers). He wrote these words:

"Paul (in Philippians 4:4-9) tells us to practice certain things if we want to have the peace of God. We are to rejoice in the Lord always even if life is tough and I might be in jail unjustly. We are told to let our forbearing spirit be known to all, an not to be anxious about anything, because a just God is near and watching. We are instructed to be thankful lifting our prayers to God, and to replace wrong thinking and erroneous blame with meditation about things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, and worthy of praise. God says if I practice these things both the "God of peace" and the "peace of God" will be with me. And as I began practicing God brought ever-increasing contentment in the midst of my circumstances. I am learning to "count it all joy when I encounter various trials knowing that the testing of my faith produces endurance and maturity" James 1). I choose to see value in suffering because I know that my "suffering produces perserverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint" (Romans 5:3-5). These are not just verses from a book; they are promises being proved true as I exercise them. So i choose contentment. I choose to learn to reject anger, and accept the peace of God."

So I will learn from Lyle and lean on the Holy spirit that in my present
trials I one day can say with all confidence that I have joy and it will not
only be words from my mouth but be seen living in my actions and how I give hope
to others. I want to thank all of you for your prayers - I am starting to learn
(the hard way of course) that I can't do this on my own and my burdens do not
have the weightiness for others in holding them down in despair but sharing them
w/ others allows them to share God's grace, mercy and love w/ me and allows them
to use their God-given gifts for the glory of God.

Please be patient with me ..... God is not finish with me Yet......

Waiting for the Phone to Ring

For the past year, I have been dealing w/ the cycle of bad paps, irregular cells and the "C" word being thrown around like it's a lurking threat in my life. I have precancerous cells in my cervix. This has led to more visits to the OBGYN than one wants to participate in a lifetime let alone a year. The running conversation w/ my doctor is that if she sees me out and about outside the hospital, she is to turn and walk the other direction that out of habit I might just give her all my money.

Last November, I had the L.E.E.P procedure done. This is where a localized section of tissue w/ dysplasia of cells is removed. It was the most painful thing I have ever endured. It took 2 months to recover. I have had numerous biopsies which are not only nerve-racking but painful as well.

Today I am sitting by the phone awaiting test results of a pap done on August 31st. I usually get my results in 5-7 days. In talking w/ my nurse at the office I asked, "The longer the wait, the worse the results-huh?" She responded,...."It's not the best sign." My heart sank and for the first time in a while I allowed myself to truly think about the possibilities of having cancer and all that would entail - beyond the pain, the chemo, it was the idea of never having children and thinking it is all SOOO UNFAIR!!!!!!!

In my legalistic reasoning... I think - (just fleetingly) this is my punishment for all the past sins in my life - if I had come to Jesus earlier this wouldn't be happening. Then I remember no earthly father would harm his children - and God is more merciful and caring than any father on this earth - even the best of fathers. I know I will get through this but the unknown is the scariest part. I hope to get my results by the end of the day........and in that there is MUCH fear and hope. I think the fear is louder in my mind right now.

So... until the phone call comes.... I am left with uncertainty but hope (that's what you're suppose to say - right?). I don't feel very hopeful right now - I am scared and praying for peace and selfishly that I don't have cancer.

YOU ASK FOR IT ....(APPARENTLY) YOU GET IT

So on my last post I expressed how tired and worn down I am ...and I still feel that way but I mentioned that I need some alone time. This weeek I found out that my husband, Michael, is leaving for a week (Sunday - Friday) coming home for 2 days and leaving again from (Sunday-Wednesday). This is not what I had in mind....I hate when he is gone. I don't see him enough as it is.

I am hoping to get a LOT of homework done but now with the new distraction of HGTV in the house I hope I am disciplined enough to get ahead. I have 3 books to read an 2 papers to start on. UGGGGH - sometimes I think I won't last grad school.

Updates in our life:

1) We have internet & cable - I think this is a good thing. We've got to learn how to manange it instead of being like kids who eat all the candy in the house because they can.

2) We "officially" started our programs w/ our Financial planner.

3) We got our wedding video & reception video

4) We are going to FINALLY order our wedding photos (hopefully)

5) Our house is officially put together - I still have some things I would like to do though

6) I started a college women's ministry in our church via the 40 days of community

7) Michael is planning on taking the first part of his test for certification in October

8) Oh and did I mention that SCHOOL IS KICKING MY BUTT!

9) We're going to MIZZOU on Oct 6th to see the Tigers beat down on Nebraska (Mizzou-Rah)

Have a great weekend to all . . . .Enjoy the BEAUTIFUL weather.

BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES... But I think it's better called STRESS

I have only been in school 1 1/2 weeks and I am already overwhelmed w/ reading and assignments. Having too much to do this weekend didn't help my ability to be a good student. It is a whole new ballgame being a student/employee, and coming home and being a wife. This is how I feel most of the time..........Ever since I got to Seminary I have felt like a little girl in way over my head. I just feel like I am always 5 steps behind everyone else.

I have done fairly well in my classes so far but I have to pick up the pace this semester. I am working full time (40 hrs), Youth group, my personal (E-free) small group, College Small group & 3 classes, friends, .... and oh yeah - being a wife w/ all that entails. I have so much reading to do that the picture below is how I feel - it sucks that I can't read fast.... one of these days.
Due to this stress level, unfinished work, and busy schedule I am PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY TIRED.... I need some definite alone time or I would settle for just down time. I think I'll move to Australia (.....email me if you know this book reference - Emily you're not allowed to play)

IT IS FINISHED ...PHASE 2 COMPLETE!

As most of you know -once I start a project it cannot get done fast enough. So having books and the contents of our bedroom downstairs all over our house was about to drive me crazy. Who knew so much could fit in one room. Well this weekend gave me just enough time to complete my final project for the room - custom shelving. With such a small room, we had to be careful to utilize the space wisely, in doing so I came up with the plan to make floor to ceiling shelving on one wall. I started them on Saturday morning while Michael was out caving w/ our friends. I went to Home Depot (1 of 4 trips in one day-ugh) got all my supplies, had the wood cut and went home to execute my plan. We only finished half of it before my sanity was complete gone and then finished (w/ a LOT of Help from Michael) on Monday.

Here's the final results of the den/Michael's Man Cave:

I painted the shelf to the right black to match the rest of the furniture in that area.

These are the Shelves....Floor to ceiling wonderfulness. I couldn't be happier w/ them. All the books fit plus... we actually have enough room for everything. YEAH!