Waiting for the Phone to Ring

For the past year, I have been dealing w/ the cycle of bad paps, irregular cells and the "C" word being thrown around like it's a lurking threat in my life. I have precancerous cells in my cervix. This has led to more visits to the OBGYN than one wants to participate in a lifetime let alone a year. The running conversation w/ my doctor is that if she sees me out and about outside the hospital, she is to turn and walk the other direction that out of habit I might just give her all my money.

Last November, I had the L.E.E.P procedure done. This is where a localized section of tissue w/ dysplasia of cells is removed. It was the most painful thing I have ever endured. It took 2 months to recover. I have had numerous biopsies which are not only nerve-racking but painful as well.

Today I am sitting by the phone awaiting test results of a pap done on August 31st. I usually get my results in 5-7 days. In talking w/ my nurse at the office I asked, "The longer the wait, the worse the results-huh?" She responded,...."It's not the best sign." My heart sank and for the first time in a while I allowed myself to truly think about the possibilities of having cancer and all that would entail - beyond the pain, the chemo, it was the idea of never having children and thinking it is all SOOO UNFAIR!!!!!!!

In my legalistic reasoning... I think - (just fleetingly) this is my punishment for all the past sins in my life - if I had come to Jesus earlier this wouldn't be happening. Then I remember no earthly father would harm his children - and God is more merciful and caring than any father on this earth - even the best of fathers. I know I will get through this but the unknown is the scariest part. I hope to get my results by the end of the day........and in that there is MUCH fear and hope. I think the fear is louder in my mind right now.

So... until the phone call comes.... I am left with uncertainty but hope (that's what you're suppose to say - right?). I don't feel very hopeful right now - I am scared and praying for peace and selfishly that I don't have cancer.