Watch it ....so funny

Ok so this isn't a "real" post and I am stealing it from Becky Kicklighter... but I saw it and laughed so hard I had to share it... watch, enjoy!

A Much Needed Weekend of Fun

This weekend, Friday at 7:35pm, I finished my summer class. The minute I finished my final I felt WONDERFUL, free, and somewhat lost. “What am I supposed to do now?” This class has been all consuming for the past month and a half. And I praise God that it’s done and I survived the class, but I am not sure how my grade will turn out. I am bracing myself for my first “C” in seminary. Three years to make a “C” isn’t that bad, right?

Anyways, Michael was on call on Friday so he was on the phone with customers until about 10pm. After that, we cleaned the house together so we didn’t have to worry about it on Saturday. I went to bed with the windows open, a cool breeze and woke up to the same at 10am the next morning with my cute husband by my side. We just enjoyed the morning with each other. I made pancakes, turkey bacon, and smoothies. Best breakfast in the world in our opinion. During breakfast, we got an unexpected but wonderful call from our friend Kim. She invited us to swimming and we jumped at the chance.

Her boss, Sandy from JOYFM, was gracious enough to let us come and use their pool. It was AMAZING. It was a salt-water pool. I had never heard of such a thing until Saturday. It was just what the doctor ordered. I thought of nothing, soaked in the sun, and enjoyed great conversation and the beautiful weather. Michael and I later went on a date to a Mexican restaurant near our house, Chihuahuas. Check it out it has AMAZING food and its one of those great hole-in-the-wall places.

Sunday was filled with church, a much needed nap and wonderful time spent with one of my most favorite students. I was privileged to get the opportunity to share the gospel with her friend and talk to her about her feelings about religion and faith and the “whole Jesus thing” as she called it. I don’t know how the Lord will use my words but I trust in his power in this young girl’s life. I hope to report later on her.

Overall – great weekend, much needed time of doing nothing and everything all at once and yet not thinking about school once.

Tales from Beyond the Stirrups

Wanted to let you know that I got the results from the biopsy I had on Monday. My doctor called me yesterday and said that it’s back and this time instead of it being low-grade dysplasia it’s mild. She doesn’t want to do the LEEP procedure to cut on the cervix and remove the cells because at this point it will eliminate my chances for getting pregnant. So at this point we’re doing a lesser procedure called the ECC in October… but at this point …pregnancy is going to be harder than I want. And when I get pregnant I will be a HIGH risk for miscarriages….I am just sick of being sick…ya know.

I have an ECC procedure planned for October. It’s just a waiting game at this point….I am just trying to trust the Lord and his goodness to prevail in this situation. I am mad, scared, frustrated ….but Michael and I trying to be hopeful. Pray ….pray for healing… pray for babies (someday).

For those of you who aren't familiar with these kind of procedures here's some info (and a graphic picture so beware) Types of cervical biopsies include:

Punch Biopsy: A surgical procedure to remove a small piece of tissue from the cervix. One or more punch biopsies may be performed on different areas of the cervix.

Cone Biopsy or Conization: A surgical procedure that uses a laser or scalpel to remove a large cone-shaped piece of tissue from the cervix.

Endocervical Curettage (ECC): A surgical procedure in which a narrow instrument called a curette is used to scrape the lining of the endocervical canal, an area that cannot be seen from the outside of the cervix.

Other related procedures that may be used to help diagnose and treat abnormal or cancerous cervical cells include loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP), colposcopy, and Pap test.

Coffee

I am realizing that I am way too dependant on coffee. I can't even function with out it. My first sip of the morning just makes me feel normal...soothing even. If I am home on the weekend, and don't have coffee, I just fall asleep with little to no motivation to do anything.....I think I might have a problem?

Hmmmmmmmmm - It's been a while

I apologize it's been so long since I've last posted. So much has gone on and then again - nothing at all. But through it all - I am trying to hold on to hope.

1. Michael is officially back from Chicago and it looks like he'll be home for a while which is good.
2. I am suffering through an independent study class this summer and it is going to be the death of me - never again. I have 3 quizes, 2 books, and 15 lectures to listen to before I am done... not to mention a comprehensive final. It might kill me - and that's not an exaggeration.
3. My cat is recovering from my stupidity. About a week ago, I had to take Leo to the Emergency Vet at 10pm. I had put some of the dogs flee and tick medicine on him in a very small dose not knowing that it is TOXIC to cats. This left him very itchy, having tremors that could have led to seizures and having to be put under, given an IV, and later sedated just to allow him to sleep. It was a night of knowing a little of what parents go through with sick babies. I just felt so helpless and scared. He is recovering fine and is back to his old self.
4. My work has been overwhelming to say the least but the team is pulling together and I hope to have a bearable and organized chaos at registration this year and moving to the new building.
5. I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. My life is full of battles and in survivor mode I want to victory in all of them but I can't. In choosing my battles, I have decided (reluctantly) to not do youth ministry for possibly another year. I say reluctantly because it hurts my soul..... I know it's the right thing to do for this season in my life but a little part of me (hope) that I had been holding on to after an already 9 month break is slipping through my fingers. For those of you who don't know - Youth ministry is my lifeblood - it re-energizes me and fills my life with passion. I love seeing the light bulb go off and the opportunity to be privileged enough to be part of God's plan is more than an honor for me - it's humbling to say the least. I am not good at many things - but I LOVE teaching, discipling and investing in kids lives. I love sharing all the amazing things I learn at Covenant with them and seeing that look of .... "why have I never heard this before". God in his graciousness gave me that opportunity in a small way in my membership class. There was a woman bold enough to admit that she had never been told that the Trinity was there in the "beginning." Our class is about 30-40 ppl and with only hour and a half there was no time to fully explain the proofs of the statement. Knowing how this blew my mind the first time I was explained, I took a bold move and introduced myself to this nice woman. I said "That point you mention in class was astounding to me the first time I heard it - I'd love to tell you more if you'd like." And she accepted and I was able to show her the evidence of the Trinity in Genesis 1 and how that ties into John 1. It made me feel great to help another sister know God better.
6. I am having a real problem with coveting. Every where I look - people are getting what I want. A trip to Europe for free, a house, a great ministry job (don't get me wrong - i love my job but...I am in school to go into full-time ministry, Lord willing), a baby......Please pray for me in this area it has been a huge struggle with being content with where the Lord has me.
7. Also, I have been stuffing most, if not all, emotions. Please pray that God would give me the strength to deal with issues head on and use people in my life to speak truth, love, and help with restoration.
8. And if you haven't figured it out.... i have taken on too much in my life but i don't know what to let go of. I need margin and wisdom in deciding where that is going to come from.

In the words of a very wise and loved friend, I am trying to "dig my heels in" and trust in God to be my defender, my shield, my comfort, and my portion. I am daily making the decision to hold on to hope.

He's coming home for 3 Whole days

On the road again.... Michael is driving from Chicago to St. Louis....I hope to see him before midnight..I get 3 short days with him and then he leaves again for Chicago for 1-2 weeks more. I hate that he travels....he really needs a new job.

Song of my heart

We sang this song at church on Sunday and it just really spoke to me. I hope it encourages and lifts you up like it did me. It is a great reminder of God's grace. Enjoy -

"Yes you have" by Leeland

Every tree and and every stone
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God, I'll sing Your praise.

Every star and open sky
Tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains

And broke away the chains
Yes You have
With Your love You set me free
Three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise

My God I'll sing Your praise
Oh, with Your love You forgave my sin
Forgot my past and brought my back again
So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have

BRIDGE
If I ascend into the sky, or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me
If I fall into the sea, Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place

Because
This is all for You, yes
This is all for You

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have.

Today I am sad....

I am sitting home on a Saturday night missing my husband terribly and wondering how did this happen.

About 3 years ago...I was "wonder woman" I didn't need a man. I was completely content being alone. I was brave enough to live alone, falling alseep was not a problem. I was focused and I could do it all by myself, quite efficently I would say.

And now.....I am a TOTAL WIFE. I feel lost when Michael's not around. When something good happens, like it did on Friday. He was the only person I wanted to share it with and I wasn't able to talk to him until 11pm. I am so LONELY without him and I can't sleep at night because I have made up ever noise in my head and get scared. Just by having him downstairs while I'll fall asleep gives me peace.

Michael left for Chicago on Thursday morning at 5am and won't be back until Thursday night only to leave again on Sunday for another week (maybe two). I know women deal with their husbands being gone all the time. But I feel lost, sad and lonely. I miss my best friend. He is working so hard from 8am till sometimes 10pm and it's hard not to be able to even talk to him. How did this happen? Is it a good thing? I am not sure.

I guess it would be bad if I didn't miss him or I thought of him like the main character on "Waitress" ( that I just finished watching). I just wish I felt more at ease without him here. I feel like my missing him gets in the way of my productivity. Oh well - just rantings of a lonely wife....he'll be home soon. Until then I have to lock up and set the alarm so I can sleep.

All I want to do...

I get to work and this is all I feel like doing, laying outside watching the clouds roll by. I love my job but I feel nature calling me outside to play the minute I sit at my desk. This weather is tempting me. I just want to be on a blanket outside with my Bible..... maybe even take a nap.

Wedding anyone?

This month has been the time of not only remembering our wedding (1 year ago) but also going to 3 weddings out of 4 weeks. Our third and final for the month of June is next week.

I have already blogged about Katie and Tom Smyth....what a great wedding. I saw her wedding pictures today... oh my gosh - they are wonderful.

Last weekend was my dear friend, Corinne and Josh. Corinne and I worked together last summer and I don't know if it was our shared love of Sex and the City or her darn-gone cuteness but we became friend and it has been my honor to call her my friend. I had the pleasure of helping her set up for her reception at Covenant Seminary (where her dad is the President - mingling with the important people - lol). I remember the AMAZING crew that saved me on my wedding day and set up. So, I felt it my duty to return the favor. Her wedding was amazing. Totally Corinne - laid back, warm, loving, and fun. She did a great job pulling it all together at the same time finishing college, and student teaching ... did I mention that I think she's superwoman.
Here are some pictures from Corinne's wedding. I hope you guys are having a great time in Colorado... and then ... they "have to" go to Hawaii to celebrate with his family.

Next weekend we have Melynda Adams and Billy Boyce. I am so excited for this wedding. Melynda is one of the most amazing women I know and Billy totally sees that too. Melynda and I work together and I have had a front row seat to see their love blossom from Melynda talking to Billy as a prospective student to hearing the amazing story of how he proposed. I know that God will be honored and glorified by this union, just as the others I have had the honor of attending. Melynda, side note, is the most calm bride to be I have ever witnessed. She is cool as a cucumber. I know that she has surrounded herself with some amazing people to be able to react this way T minus 8 days.... I hope her wedding day is everything that she has dreamed it to be. It promises to be wonderful.

With the blessings of all these weddings though....it is wonderful to see the personality of each bride come out in all the little details of the day. It's been so awesome to see. Michael isn't as thrilled with all these weddings as I am- I love a good love story, I don't care that I have to wear heals and watch my makeup sweat down my face. But I don't think he's died from having to wear a tie, he's avoided having to dance at the last 2 and deep down.... I know he's a big sap too.

Happy Wedding to all the June Brides.... but remember - Preparing for your marriage is more important that being prepared just for your wedding day.

A year marked with joy and challenges

I can't even believe it's been one year since Michael and I married. I feel so blessed to be on this journey with him and have him as my husband. He makes my life full of joy, laughter, and excitment and challenges me in so many things (which is a good thing since I tend to think I know the best way to do all things ~ at least I did, I am growing). I don't know if those people are that say "My first year of marriage was so wonderful" are sugar-coating things or dillusional - but our first year was not easy. You put any two subborn, broken, set in our way people together and tell them to live with each other, and sparks are bound to fly every now and then.

I believe marriage is truly a wonderful thing. I am blessed to be married to Michael and God has taught me a lot by putting him in my life. I, for the first time, know that you can be loved and the bottom is not destined to fall out, they will not leave, and forgiveness is the most important part of a relationship.

We really wanted to celebrate this momentous occasion. So Michael suprised me with the idea of going to Hermann. We found the most WONDERFUL B&B (not covered in knicknacks and flowers or paisely), Inn at Hermannhof. Since we stayed Sunday through Monday - we got a Great Price. The room was beautiful. We had a tub that would fit 4 people, a shower that makes mine feel week (8 shower heads), and a fridge of unlimited wine, cheese, crackers, and pop.

A King Sized bed....is so wonderful Gas burning fire place (one in the bathroom too)

We arrived Sunday around 1:30pm. We were not able to check in until 4pm, so we were forced to go across the streat to the Hermannhof winery. There we sampled many different wines but settled on "The White Lady" I had prepacked a picnic lunch with cheese, bread, fruit and sausage (oh and starbursts for Michael). It was a beautiful day. We walked up and down the streets looking in mostly at the shops (since most were closed since it was Sunday- small town rules). But we were able to find one restaurant open on Sunday night, Vantage at the Stone Hill winery.

It was so nice just to get away and focus on each other .... here's some pictures from our trip. I would highly recommend the hotel and Hermann overall for a romantic weekend or just a girls weekend (they have spas and wine... what more could a girl want?)

Hermannhof Winery

River (?) infront of Hermannhof Winery...terrace overlooked this (beautiful)

Hermann Hill Inn (view from Stone Hill Winery)

Views of Hermann from Stone Hill Winery

Stone Hill at sunset

Views at Oakglenn Winery

Beautiful views of Missouri Wine Country

Sex and the City....Delivers!

I've been awaiting this movie since the series finale. I had heard mixed reviews from faithful fan to just interested movie goers, so I didn't know what to think going into to it.

I loved it. I love the characters and their relationships - that is the true heart and soul of the show and now movie. I cried more than I probably should ... but it was moving to this SATC sucker. I loved the message of forgiveness and second chances. The only thing I would change is that "Big" (John) would have sent Carrie a "real" love letter at the end finally telling her how he truly felt about her. But as my sister said, "that's not Big."

I will be going to see it again and buying it when it comes out. I was delighted with the plot, characters and how it all got tied up with a BIG bow.

I was so delighted to go with a girlfriend from work. And loved seeing all the women dressed up and out on the town with their girlfriends. Michael had offered to see it with me....but its something that I think is just a girl thing.

Congrats Katie & Tom

I have had the pleasure of knowing Katie for about two years and Tom about a year. They are the most wonderful couple. I feel blessed to have them in our life. This past weekend we had the great honor of attending their wedding. I can't imagine a more beautiful bride and the wedding was AMAZING.

They were married in a ELCA church in Webster Groves, MO. The old style architecture and stain glass was beautiful. And made me wish we'd would have picked somewhere like that. We had a great time and at their reception they had a live big band. It was so unique and so them (they are both band directors & and musicans).

I can't believe our wedding was just one year ago. And I am thankful that I made it through. I know that Katie and Tom are also grateful to be on the other side of "I do" celebrating their honeymoon in Georgia.

The pictures were taken by my most talented friend, Kim Underwood.

Results

Just wanted to update those who read my blog. I heard from the doctor and my ultrasounds were completely normal. I have never heard those words come from my OBGYN office but they did this time. So, for right now I am only following up on the abnormal cells in my cervix with another biopsy in July and then we'll go from there.

Thanks for the prayers! Oh and BTW....if by chance there are any ultrasound techs out there reading this I have something to say to you..... Keep your TRAP SHUT...it's not your place to panic the patient.

"Sorry.... I can't seem to see your left ovary"

(I added the horns)

So - I have been having "issues" for about a month with being nauseous, cramping, and just overall pain. I know what you are all thinking... and I AM NOT PREGNANT.



I went to my OBGYN when I was having the symptoms and she did a pap and set up an ultrasound, just to be cautious. Well I got a call last Friday, the virus in my cervix is back which means it's back to painful scrapings and more time in stirrups than any woman should endure.


Today, I had my ultrasound. I can't stand ultrasound techs. They talk too much. As the woman was doing my pelvic ultrasound, she began to dig into my areas. I series of "sorry, ...sorry, ... sorry" led her to tell me that she's having a hard time seeing my left ovary. She had no problem with the right but the left one was apparently playing hide and go seek. Who knew my ovaries were so playful?

My biggest concern in doing this test was that I might have cysts on my ovaries and that what was causing the symptoms. With all that said.... I am just sick of being sick. I want to know what it is like just to go to the doctor for a check up and not every three months to get poked and prodded.


After my disturbing ultrasound with Cathy Chatty - I went directly over to my doctor's office. They know me by name and I was able to peak my head in and ask one of the nurses, Kim, some questions about my unpleasant experience. She assured me that she would call me tomorrow when they got the report from the radiologist.


Please pray... my mind is racing and going to dark places (like spotting cancer, cysts, etc).

3 Down ....2 to Go?

I just finished my third year of classes at Covenant Seminary. I feel free and lost all at the same time. You push yourself for weeks just to make it through....and I am there and I really don't know what I am supposed to do. I keep feeling like I am forgetting to do something... but for TWO WHOLE WEEKS I am a free woman.

..............................................And then .....Summer School

Expriements in Cooking

Lately I have had to get really creative for food "I am allowed to eat" and with sensible portion sizes. I have come up with some new creations.

Chicken Lasagna Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté half of an onion and garlic. Once the onions are brown – add the fresh spinach.
Thaw 2 large chicken breast (skinless/boneless). Chop the chicken into very fine pieces (raw)

Take the noodle – Spread ricotta cheese on it
Spread the onion/garlic/spinach down the noodle
Evenly distribute the raw chicken
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line pan with red sauce
Add noodle rolls
Pour red sauce on top
Place shredded mozzarella cheese on top
Dash basil on top
Cover with tin foil
Each roll is a perfect portion size ....accompanied with a small salad with vinaigrette dressing.
Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375

Mexican Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté an onion and read and green peppers.
Thaw 2 large chicken breast (skinless/boneless) Chop the chicken into very fine pieces (raw) – You could also use cooked ground hamburger.
Take small container of fat free cream cheese add taco seasoning

Take noodle spread the cream cheese
Spread the onion and peppers
Take chicken and spread on the noodle
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line the pan with salsa or tomato sauce
Add noodles rolls to the pan. Pour 2 cans of undrained diced tomatoes
Cover with shredded Mexican cheese blend
Serve with sour cream and guacamole

Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375
If you use cooked hamburger – cook for 20min on 350


Philly Steak Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté an onion mushrooms.
Grill 1 piece of steak. Chop into very fine pieces (browned). You can also use shredded beef

Take noodle spread the Ricotta cheese
Spread the onion and mushrooms
Take steak and spread on the noodle
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line pan with Alfredo Sauce
Add noodle rolls
Pour Alfredo sauce on top
Place shredded mozzarella cheese on top
Dash basil on top
Cover with tin foil

Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375

31

OMG - when did I become OLD.....I think I qualify as an adult at this age (but I don't feel like it). Tomorrow, I have a personal trainning appointment, class, one hour of work and then I am going to do whatever....nap, get a pedicure- not sure. Michael and I are going to Brio for dinner. Saturday going out with friends that night and Sunday picnic to once again celebrate. I just wish the weather would remain like it is right now. I hear it will make a reappearance on Sunday.

Birthdays are just weird as you get older. You want to celebrate but at the same time... but only if no one mentions that you got older, are old or mentions your name (Warning to Emily).

Enjoy this beautiful weather... while it lasts - I am off to class...

On a lighter note...

My sister is in town visiting the object of her affection at the moment. They've known each other since they were teenagers. They found each other again - and she's smitten. (her words not mine). This gentleman is from Pinckneyville which means in order to get her here - She has to fly into St. Louis. Which also means, I get to see her as she's traveling through.

I am excited to see her. I haven't had a chance to see her since June. They are both coming over for a night of dinner and good conversation. It will also give me a chance to meet this new "love of her life". Kelly is my youngest sister... she's so cute. And I am excited for her to see my house settled and spend some quality family time.

Anger and Grace Collide

So ... many of you already know that our house was broken into on Thursday. Michael and I are both gone from the house on Thursdays from 8am to 8pm. As I was leaving my midterm on Thursday, I got a text from Michael. "Where's my laptop?" In utter confusion - I called him back immediately. His voice was filled with confusion and fear, something I have never heard before. As we started to talk, I could hear him roam around the house.... He tells me "Carin both the laptops are gone and all your jewelry. I know how they came in......"

And then his phone went dead, calling and calling him back with no ring tone... just straight to voicemail - I panicked and called 911. I phoned them to tell them that our house was burglarized and my husband might be in trouble. As I drove my 15 minutes more home - it felt like I couldn't drive fast enough. I cried out to God, "Lord, things can be replaced but please Lord, please - Let my husband be okay."

As I pulled into the drive, the first round of cops were already there. I came in dropped my bag and ran to Michael. He had come home but the thieves had not torn the house apart so he really didn't notice until he started looking for his computer. God's grace spared so much.... they didn't go into his "man cave" where we have another computer and all of his gaming systems, movies and games. They didn't go in the kitchen where my IPod was and our camera (with pictures I had not downloaded). They had come in through a window I had left unlocked - I was overcome with grief and sadness, and overwhelming guilt - I had let Michael down. And to add insult to injury... I had never signed the papers for our Renter's Insurance so none of this was covered.

What they took makes me sick: They took both laptops (one downstairs in the living room, and mine from my office ----mind you I had not backed up any of my work from Seminary nor any family pictures or journal entries I had written... I feel like Carrie in Sex in the City when her computer crashes and everyone asks "Did you back up?" and her response is .... "Who backs up?" You better believe I will be a back up queen after this. They went into our bedroom....and stole all my jewelry. They took my grandmother's rosary, my Nona's (grandma in Italian) watch. This is my only family heirloom from her. I had one tiny jewelry case that had a shirt on it so it was spared.....I have one of my 2 baby rings, my pearls from my father.... but I also lost my mother's engagement ring from my father, my wedding earnings,... and just a sense of safety. They stole only the movies sitting on top of our entertainment center... but they left behind Charlie Brown Christmas and VHS tapes of Star Wars. I am thankful for this since they left many finger prints behind at the expense of being picky.

The first round of cops left around 10:30 and we were told to wait for the Crime Scene Investigator to come and finger print and take pictures. She didn't arrive until after I called the police department, arriving at 1am. She took tons of finger prints all over the house and took pictures. She finally finished around 2am. And then.... we were left to clean up after her and all the black dust they use for fingerprinting. At that our evening was finished. We looked at each other knowing that we needed sleep but unable to feel safe in our own home, scared that they would come back. We checked all the doors and windows like 5 times (each) and then attempted to go to bed.

The next day, Michael encouraged me to maintain some sense of normalcy and go to my training appointment at the gym, he even went with me at 6am. We had taken the day off from work since it was Michael's birthday - Happy Birthday baby - wished it would have started on a better note.

Thanks to our friends, we were able to celebrate Michael's birthday with cake and pizza and Rock Band. We did catch ourselves surveying the house as we drove up the driveway looking for anything suspicious.

I know they are just things - I know they don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things. But I am mad. I want my files off my computer... they can keep the stinking machine. I just want my memories, my Sunday school lessons I wrote on Genesis, my journal entries after becoming a Christian, my childhood photos I had scanned in. My pictures of family events over the years, my wedding planning and every other detail of my life over the past 5 years. Oh, did I mention.... all my papers for school are gone.... it just makes me sick.

I wonder as they violated us, going from room to room taking what ever caught their eye, did they look at our wedding photos? Did they notice a bible in every room? (I have way to many bibles)? Did they see the scripture framed on our stairway as they came up and down our stairs to take our things? Why didn't my dog scare them off? Do they feel any remorse? What are they going through that this was an options? Now that they've been in once and know what we have, will they be back? Do they know how scared they made me feel in my own home? Will they notice the picture of Jesus on the cross dying for them as my screen saver? Will they read my files on Grace? on Salvation? On How God has saved me through struggles and fear through confusion and pain in my journals. Or will they disregard us - doing it only for a fix or a cheap thrill just to prove that they could take things from someone else.

I know I am suppose to love them, but I don't. I just want to ask them "Why US?" and in this time where I feel so violated I am wondering - where was God to protect us? Why didn't God stop them. I mean this is the same God from the OT that sucked people into the ground for lying right? And in my moment of doubt and fear and confusion, I know it could have been worse. God did spare many things. Our animals are fine, they didn't destroy our home, they left many valuable things....and the one thing they could never steal from us is Christ. We will still rejoice and pray that God's justice is done. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't praying that our stuff will be recovered - I am. But I know that even if they are not that,

1. My grandmother loved me, even if I don't have her watch that was willed to me.

2. My grandmother loved Jesus, because I once had her rosary

3. My photos are memories that God will allow me to see in day dreams and times of reminiscing with my family

4. My journals are known by God and I have seen His redemptive work since writing them.

5. The earrings I wore on my wedding day are still in photos.

6. My life is not things, and my true treasures cannot be stolen.

Thanks you for all your prayers, hugs and comfort. We appreciate all of you. We do pray for our stuff to be returned and justice to prevail but know that it's a long shot. I will be signing the papers for Renter's insurance tomorrow and Michael's brother (a cop) has given us a security system as our birthday gifts. Hopefully when those things are in place - we will be able to leave the house without spending 15 minutes checking and rechecking everything and breathe a little easier leaving the house.

Good News all Around

So I wanted to share some good news with all (my faithful few) people who keep up to date with my blog.

I should have posted about this last week but ... now is better than never.
1. I am cancer free - my biopsy came back negative. This is a huge victory. I go back in July for another pap just to see if everything is still good. What my prayer is that the virus in my cervix which is causing all the trouble would be GONE!
2. I met with my trainer on Friday for our first full session. I have to weigh in before we get started. I had lost 2 lbs since Tuesday. Not a huge biggest loser moment but ... it's a huge start for me. So since my last doctor's appointment in Feb. I have lost and kept off 6 lbs. YEAH! These little victories are keeping me motivated. Who knows what this weeks weigh in has in store for me... I went to Crackle Barrel yesterday.... and although it was my only meal....I know it wasn't the best choice. I justified it by my hour at the gym today....don't think my trainer will see it that way since I was scolded for eating "1" donut.....mind you I picked up 2 dozen from Lamar's and had them sitting in front of me all day.. and I only ate one. That was a victory for me... she didn't see it that way.

Another week ...another struggle with food

I have a HUGE midterm this week. I am hoping I don't blow my diet.... since I tend to snack a lot when I study.

Moving in the right direction - Finally

So today I started working out with a trainer. She and I will be meeting once a week for personally inflicted pain. Today was my first ...get to know you, let me tell you how bad you're off meeting. She told me that I have a "black girl bootie beginning"....Curved back w/ big butt term (it must be a technical trainer term - who knew?).

I know I have hired her, and she's there to help me but I felt judged by her during our session. I know it's only in my head - but I felt shame in working out with her. I know that I have done the hardest part - getting started. But, I some how felt weak in needing help. A topic I know I will explore in counseling this week.

But as for me, I'll be watching the Biggest Loser tonight and I will at the gym tomorrow.

How did....

How did Easter go from this:

To this?

Somewhere between there and here.... we've lost sight of what Easter is all about. And the most appauling thing I've seen this season is .....Chocolate Jesus. It is so wrong, I just cringed when I saw it. Christ, during the Easter season should envoke: awe, greatfulness, rejoicing, thanksgiving... NOT hunger or a need to indulge in chocolate.

Happy Easter

My good friend, Jen Martin - sent this to me and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Please click on the link below and have your sound on.

https://webmail.covenantseminary.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf

Will I allow it to happen?

I just finished watching my favorite show, The Biggest Loser. Every week I go through this struggle with all these people who are just like me. If I could only get a week with Jillian, I would count it as priceless. I am the contestants... I am just at home fighting for my life without trainers, nutritionist, cameras and 6 hours a day to work out.

My favorite contestant was voted out tonight, Brittany. When she returned her mother raved about her success and then said, "She had so much pain in her weight." And a light bulb went off....My weight is my pain. I always say my pain is for God's purpose. It's the whole reason I am pursuing youth ministry. All my mistakes, my horrible family life, the eating disorder, suicide attempts, abuse, it was all for God's purposes to help some girl out there who I can encourage and show her God's faithfulness through how He redeems us (with our mistakes). And now I have one more pain to get rid of. I don't know why I never felt that I wasn't worth it. But I haven't and I think today.... I am going to start believing that I am worth it. I want to prove my family wrong. I can be thin. I can be beautiful. I am lucky to have my husband (he's fabulous... and gorgeous) but I want people to say ... whoa, how did he get her? Instead of the other way around.

When I accepted Christ as our Savior, I gave him Lordship over our life. But for some reason I didn't think he need control over my weight - I thought that was up to me, my burden to bare. And I though I was a lost cause, so why try. I can throw every burden at Him, and He carries it for me. I think for once I am going to tap into His power and trust Him to help me become a new physical creation, since He's reconstructed my spiritual self.

I will not be the exception in my family - I will be thin - because I deserve to be healthy and happy. I have lived my life saying ... it's my dad's genetics and my sisters are built like my mom. Well, I can't do anything about losing my hair like my dad ... but I am sure as heck going to lose this weight regardless of who I take after. The only person who can get in the way of my success at this point is me. And I am sick of losing to my self.

Cat gone wild....

So I realized in looking at my blog - I forgot to share with you what happend with my cat at the vet a week or so ago (overshaddowed by frustrating day). I am usually one of those proud pet parents who brags about my furkids. My dog is well behaved, loves the vet and is usually great with other dogs. I have referred to my cat as being more like a dog than a cat. He comes when he's called. The minute you come home he is waiting by the door. He is always giving you his belly to rub. He follows me around and will lay by me. And He loves company. You're thinking ... I don't like cats but maybe I'd like yours (I mean look at how cute he is in his picture to the left)..... yeah and then....

We went to the vet. I now know how those women in the grocery store feel as their child is having a knock down all out fit with zero control. And they just want to hide or leave the store as soon as possible. I have been a bad cat parent. I have had Leo for 2 years and since he's never had contact with any other cat or the outside world - I didn't feel a huge rush to take him to the vet. He's been increasingly interested in the outside - especially with the outside (stray) cats who have been spraying my back door. So .... with this crazy meowing .... at all hours of the night and his recent spraying (as to graffiti my door back to send a message to the cats outside), I have decided that it's time to loose his manhood and become a respectable cat.

Now remember ... My cat is the cool cat. Forgetting how tramatized my cat was when I put him in his carrier when I moved, I put him in his carrier hoping for the best. HE WAS FUMING MAD! He chilled out a little when we entered the vet. I think he was in a state of shock.

We get called into the room and I am starting to think this is not going to be fun or easy. The dog got weighed... fine needs to loose 5 lbs. The Vet tech takes Leo right out of his cage no problem.....this is weird. She weighs him and allows him to wander around the office until the doctor comes in to give him his shots. I don't know what happened in the 5 minutes after that but Leo FREAKED OUT..... I don't know if it was all the smells... or a message left on the wall in smells warning all other cats.... but the Doctor came in and Michael went to pick Leo up and HE FREAKED OUT.

Hissing and jumping at least 4 feet into the air.... I was like WHOA.....He became ninja kitty. The vet tech decided she was going to pick him up using a towel - not gloves as my husband (former vet school student) suggested to me would have protected her from what's about to happen. She proceeds to get Leo by the head.... a kitty head lock.... oh yeah... and Leo is more mad than before... he jumps (leaps backwards) out of the head lock and his anger is even more elevated. Now at this point I am sitting in the corner with Chewy, my dog, on a leash trying to calm him since he's getting really upset at the idea that there are 3 humans trying to torture his cat. He gets all jumpy and we're asked to leave....At this point I felt like a failure as a pet parent and that his behavior was a direct correlation to my pet owning skills. I start justifying his behavior to everyone, "He's not like this at home. I have never seen him react this way." Meanwhile, my husband is blocking the cat from hiding under things in the office, the vet tech still has her towel of captivity, and now the vet has went into the back to retreive the secret weapon.......... a Fishing Net. They were able to finally scoop Leo up into the net put him on the table get him his shots before SHOVING him into his carrier. Oh yeah, ...... in the process he bit the vet tech. Those gloves would have come in handy there. Now Leo has a mark on his permanent record [[[[[[WARNING: BAD TEMPERED CAT/ PROCEED WITH CAUTION]]]]] I felt so ashamed.

He's not like that at home is the only thing I could do, accompanied by "I am sorry" to everyone who worked there. The doctor decided that we would in fact not need another round of shots before his neuter and that they would just administer the shots while he was knocked out while the procedure was going on. I think that's best for all parties involved.

His manhood removal will be happening on the 27th at 7am and then carpets, walls and doors will be thoroughly cleaned. I hope everyone walks away from this with as little trama as possible.

So I have realized...

Friends don't let friends post mad......I would like to say I am sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. I think I have lost (or never possessed) the ability to sugar coat things. This is a good thing but it can also cause me to look back and wish for do-overs. That said, I hope if nothing else you will be cheering me on as I go to the gym and attempt this mythical thing called "loosing weight."

New subject:
I would like to just take this opportunity to say that I have the best wedding photographer in the world! No fluff. Today, I got the great pleasure of sitting down with them to look at ordering photos from our wedding....(I know what you're thinking.... and yes - it's taken us 9 months to order our photos). They are so patient and so kind and AMAZINGLY creative. We were able to really think outside the box and get pictures I know I will love having on my walls for years to come. Thank you Bobbi Brinkman Photography. Thank you Bobbi and Tina!

Do you ever just get frustrated....

I don't know even where to begin.....I have felt like all I do is fight for what I want and what is best for my family.... and I am getting sooooo tired.

Today I got the news that we have to PAY for taxes - Welcome to Married life here's a bill for $1,000. Congrats. Apparently I didn't take enough out on my W-2 last year... that's getting fixed immediately. I am just sitting here thinking how elated I was just a few days ago because our financial situation was finally looking up.

Then to add insult to injury I spent an hour on the phone with CHARTER. I don't know if I have ever felt so much anger in my WHOLE life as I did today. We choose to have cable I know what your thinking but Charter has arraged it in such a way that you get hooked by a great deal and 6 months later you raked over the coals..... I know it shouldn't matter but my frustration level is heightened when the person on the other end of the phone...rep and supervisor can't speak English. I know tons of people out of work.... why can't they have those jobs so I don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time just trying to bridge the communication barriers.... SO FRUSTRATED.

Then I have finally decided that I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! This is a big deal for me, for those who don't know. I have been the "big" girl for years. Before I was a Christian I blamed it on my excessive drinking.... now - I have no excuses. My body hurts because I am carrying so much extra weight. It doesn't help the fibro..... and when I told my Rheumatologist that I just hurt so badly- in a way that only a person with chronic pain will understand - he says... go work out. Man, skinny people always have the answer. Doesn't he know that I cry after I get off the treadmill - that it hurts to get past the back pain and shin splint and how when I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable because of the pain - I don' t feel motivated to work out at 6am.

So I have decided that I have to do something about this. I decided to look at some gyms and see what we could do. Now, with what I knew, we're getting ahead - we could finally afford for me to go. We went to Bally's - and after Saturday I was singing their praises. They said that there was a promotion if we signed up by Sunday - being that I was a former member back in the day - a year membership for me would be $99- and to add Michael it would be $18.50/ month. The sales/trainer guy even said that I could 2 months of training for $200-. I went back Sunday - again singing their praises and gave them $99, and wanting to sign on the dotted line for Michael. This was a savings of $15/month from his plan and I get to go too. They called me yesterday - my renewal had still not been processed and they didn't know if the promotion would be valid....

So tonight after 1 HOUR of going back and forth - they were telling me that I had paid $99 and Michael would have to pay A LOT more......are you Flipping KIDDING ME HERE. I don' t think they would have said that if they had known I as on the phone with Charter for an Hour. I was thinking, I'd walk in sign on the dotted line and go and work out. No - I am still in trainer-man's office hearing about how sorry he is but he's controlled by Corporate. I know better - I demand he call his district manager. It got worked out but not without a fight. He must not know the determination of a fat girl wanting a new body......He doesn't know how much I need this and if I could afford to be without an income I would beg and plead to be on "Biggest Loser." I am sick of being the Fat girl.....I had one summer in my whole life where I turned heads.....people saw me for the first time without shaking their heads or saying under their breath ...she'd be pretty if she'd just loose the weight. I am going to battle with the demon that has beat me down for years.... I am going to WAR. And my life depends on winning. And now... I have to find the strength to fight - I am tired today.... I feel like the bullies hit me one after the others... and all I could do was get in a few swings.

And in times like these .... "put your hope in Jesus" just isn't cutting it. I am just going to try and make it though another day.... and keep getting in a few swings at a time and hope that Jesus gives me the strength to do it.

Babies Everywhere

It seems like lately all I hear about is babies....don't get me wrong babies are a blessing from God. But every day, I hear about another person either having a baby or being pregnant. It's enough to make anyone stop and take notice (and realize you don't have one).

Michael and I have not even been married 10 months. So no.... we are not having a baby any time soon. But I am hit with the reality that I will be 31 this year and Michael will be 33. All this baby excitement can go to my head, or should I say heart, more quickly than I would like. With all these new babies around, the benefit is that I can hold, snuggle, love, and spoil these children and then give them back.

We are going to be babysitting for the Fogas's on Saturday so I will be getting my baby fix and like I mentioned....then giving her back. One day we'll have our own and I have to be honest, I hoping it sooner than later. I am starting to get "baby fever" but then again - I don't like getting left out of all this excitment. One thing I know for sure, I have a deep desire and longing to be a mother. And one way or another, sooner or later - God will honor that desire IN HIS PERFECT TIMING.

Happy Birthday Mama

Mom with her only grandchild... for a while.

Just wanted to wish my mom a Happy Birthday

Love you.

Ok... Now I can't sleep

All I want to do is sleep... and guess what ... I can't. I think being sick, multiple medications and benadryl induced commas today are keeping me from getting the beauty sleep that will not cure what going on with my face (big red patch of Uck under my nose).

So I started thinking .... I wonder with all the bad weather, will that affect Michael being able to come home for the weekend. Here's some pics from Lambert Airport. Not promising but a Girl's gotta have Hope.

Please pray that Michael gets home safe. For his sanity and mine. I think I am going to try and sleep now. ....try being the operative word.

Good Friends are like a Good pair of Jeans... they just fit

This past weekend, we celebrated with a wonderful couple at their wedding - Congrats Tim & Emily (pics to come). But because of this wedding, friends came in from all over. My friend Pam came in from Colorado. She was able to come over Friday night, while Michael was at the Bachelor Party with the guys.

Our time together is never rushed, uncomfortable and between the two of us... there is NEVER a loss for words. That Pammy and I, were talkers. Pam was the first woman at the church who I spoke to about anything real. She says that I prepared her for hardcore youth ministry. As a new believer - I WAS A MESS and brought that mess to Jesus and didn't really know what to do with that. Pam, in all her innocence, but with all her grace and mercy, listened and prayed and has seen God do an amazing transformation in me. All credit to God!

Pam has become that person who I can share so much with from silly stories of how my dress got caught in my pantie hose to what God is teaching us both. I love having a friend like her who gets as excited as I do about what the Lord is teaching her. We just went back and forth with amazement of the God we serve.

Pam's journey has led her to Colorado, where she is doing amazing things in ministry. She is reaching out to kids like me (when I was in high school). I love hearing the faithfulness of God and how He is working through her obedience and the call He's put on her life.

You really never know how much you miss having a friend like this around until they leave. I love you Pammy - You make my life more hopeful and you always point me in the right direction. Thanks