Good News all Around

So I wanted to share some good news with all (my faithful few) people who keep up to date with my blog.

I should have posted about this last week but ... now is better than never.
1. I am cancer free - my biopsy came back negative. This is a huge victory. I go back in July for another pap just to see if everything is still good. What my prayer is that the virus in my cervix which is causing all the trouble would be GONE!
2. I met with my trainer on Friday for our first full session. I have to weigh in before we get started. I had lost 2 lbs since Tuesday. Not a huge biggest loser moment but ... it's a huge start for me. So since my last doctor's appointment in Feb. I have lost and kept off 6 lbs. YEAH! These little victories are keeping me motivated. Who knows what this weeks weigh in has in store for me... I went to Crackle Barrel yesterday.... and although it was my only meal....I know it wasn't the best choice. I justified it by my hour at the gym today....don't think my trainer will see it that way since I was scolded for eating "1" donut.....mind you I picked up 2 dozen from Lamar's and had them sitting in front of me all day.. and I only ate one. That was a victory for me... she didn't see it that way.

Another week ...another struggle with food

I have a HUGE midterm this week. I am hoping I don't blow my diet.... since I tend to snack a lot when I study.

Moving in the right direction - Finally

So today I started working out with a trainer. She and I will be meeting once a week for personally inflicted pain. Today was my first ...get to know you, let me tell you how bad you're off meeting. She told me that I have a "black girl bootie beginning"....Curved back w/ big butt term (it must be a technical trainer term - who knew?).

I know I have hired her, and she's there to help me but I felt judged by her during our session. I know it's only in my head - but I felt shame in working out with her. I know that I have done the hardest part - getting started. But, I some how felt weak in needing help. A topic I know I will explore in counseling this week.

But as for me, I'll be watching the Biggest Loser tonight and I will at the gym tomorrow.

How did....

How did Easter go from this:

To this?

Somewhere between there and here.... we've lost sight of what Easter is all about. And the most appauling thing I've seen this season is .....Chocolate Jesus. It is so wrong, I just cringed when I saw it. Christ, during the Easter season should envoke: awe, greatfulness, rejoicing, thanksgiving... NOT hunger or a need to indulge in chocolate.

Happy Easter

My good friend, Jen Martin - sent this to me and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Please click on the link below and have your sound on.

https://webmail.covenantseminary.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf

Will I allow it to happen?

I just finished watching my favorite show, The Biggest Loser. Every week I go through this struggle with all these people who are just like me. If I could only get a week with Jillian, I would count it as priceless. I am the contestants... I am just at home fighting for my life without trainers, nutritionist, cameras and 6 hours a day to work out.

My favorite contestant was voted out tonight, Brittany. When she returned her mother raved about her success and then said, "She had so much pain in her weight." And a light bulb went off....My weight is my pain. I always say my pain is for God's purpose. It's the whole reason I am pursuing youth ministry. All my mistakes, my horrible family life, the eating disorder, suicide attempts, abuse, it was all for God's purposes to help some girl out there who I can encourage and show her God's faithfulness through how He redeems us (with our mistakes). And now I have one more pain to get rid of. I don't know why I never felt that I wasn't worth it. But I haven't and I think today.... I am going to start believing that I am worth it. I want to prove my family wrong. I can be thin. I can be beautiful. I am lucky to have my husband (he's fabulous... and gorgeous) but I want people to say ... whoa, how did he get her? Instead of the other way around.

When I accepted Christ as our Savior, I gave him Lordship over our life. But for some reason I didn't think he need control over my weight - I thought that was up to me, my burden to bare. And I though I was a lost cause, so why try. I can throw every burden at Him, and He carries it for me. I think for once I am going to tap into His power and trust Him to help me become a new physical creation, since He's reconstructed my spiritual self.

I will not be the exception in my family - I will be thin - because I deserve to be healthy and happy. I have lived my life saying ... it's my dad's genetics and my sisters are built like my mom. Well, I can't do anything about losing my hair like my dad ... but I am sure as heck going to lose this weight regardless of who I take after. The only person who can get in the way of my success at this point is me. And I am sick of losing to my self.

Cat gone wild....

So I realized in looking at my blog - I forgot to share with you what happend with my cat at the vet a week or so ago (overshaddowed by frustrating day). I am usually one of those proud pet parents who brags about my furkids. My dog is well behaved, loves the vet and is usually great with other dogs. I have referred to my cat as being more like a dog than a cat. He comes when he's called. The minute you come home he is waiting by the door. He is always giving you his belly to rub. He follows me around and will lay by me. And He loves company. You're thinking ... I don't like cats but maybe I'd like yours (I mean look at how cute he is in his picture to the left)..... yeah and then....

We went to the vet. I now know how those women in the grocery store feel as their child is having a knock down all out fit with zero control. And they just want to hide or leave the store as soon as possible. I have been a bad cat parent. I have had Leo for 2 years and since he's never had contact with any other cat or the outside world - I didn't feel a huge rush to take him to the vet. He's been increasingly interested in the outside - especially with the outside (stray) cats who have been spraying my back door. So .... with this crazy meowing .... at all hours of the night and his recent spraying (as to graffiti my door back to send a message to the cats outside), I have decided that it's time to loose his manhood and become a respectable cat.

Now remember ... My cat is the cool cat. Forgetting how tramatized my cat was when I put him in his carrier when I moved, I put him in his carrier hoping for the best. HE WAS FUMING MAD! He chilled out a little when we entered the vet. I think he was in a state of shock.

We get called into the room and I am starting to think this is not going to be fun or easy. The dog got weighed... fine needs to loose 5 lbs. The Vet tech takes Leo right out of his cage no problem.....this is weird. She weighs him and allows him to wander around the office until the doctor comes in to give him his shots. I don't know what happened in the 5 minutes after that but Leo FREAKED OUT..... I don't know if it was all the smells... or a message left on the wall in smells warning all other cats.... but the Doctor came in and Michael went to pick Leo up and HE FREAKED OUT.

Hissing and jumping at least 4 feet into the air.... I was like WHOA.....He became ninja kitty. The vet tech decided she was going to pick him up using a towel - not gloves as my husband (former vet school student) suggested to me would have protected her from what's about to happen. She proceeds to get Leo by the head.... a kitty head lock.... oh yeah... and Leo is more mad than before... he jumps (leaps backwards) out of the head lock and his anger is even more elevated. Now at this point I am sitting in the corner with Chewy, my dog, on a leash trying to calm him since he's getting really upset at the idea that there are 3 humans trying to torture his cat. He gets all jumpy and we're asked to leave....At this point I felt like a failure as a pet parent and that his behavior was a direct correlation to my pet owning skills. I start justifying his behavior to everyone, "He's not like this at home. I have never seen him react this way." Meanwhile, my husband is blocking the cat from hiding under things in the office, the vet tech still has her towel of captivity, and now the vet has went into the back to retreive the secret weapon.......... a Fishing Net. They were able to finally scoop Leo up into the net put him on the table get him his shots before SHOVING him into his carrier. Oh yeah, ...... in the process he bit the vet tech. Those gloves would have come in handy there. Now Leo has a mark on his permanent record [[[[[[WARNING: BAD TEMPERED CAT/ PROCEED WITH CAUTION]]]]] I felt so ashamed.

He's not like that at home is the only thing I could do, accompanied by "I am sorry" to everyone who worked there. The doctor decided that we would in fact not need another round of shots before his neuter and that they would just administer the shots while he was knocked out while the procedure was going on. I think that's best for all parties involved.

His manhood removal will be happening on the 27th at 7am and then carpets, walls and doors will be thoroughly cleaned. I hope everyone walks away from this with as little trama as possible.

So I have realized...

Friends don't let friends post mad......I would like to say I am sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. I think I have lost (or never possessed) the ability to sugar coat things. This is a good thing but it can also cause me to look back and wish for do-overs. That said, I hope if nothing else you will be cheering me on as I go to the gym and attempt this mythical thing called "loosing weight."

New subject:
I would like to just take this opportunity to say that I have the best wedding photographer in the world! No fluff. Today, I got the great pleasure of sitting down with them to look at ordering photos from our wedding....(I know what you're thinking.... and yes - it's taken us 9 months to order our photos). They are so patient and so kind and AMAZINGLY creative. We were able to really think outside the box and get pictures I know I will love having on my walls for years to come. Thank you Bobbi Brinkman Photography. Thank you Bobbi and Tina!

Do you ever just get frustrated....

I don't know even where to begin.....I have felt like all I do is fight for what I want and what is best for my family.... and I am getting sooooo tired.

Today I got the news that we have to PAY for taxes - Welcome to Married life here's a bill for $1,000. Congrats. Apparently I didn't take enough out on my W-2 last year... that's getting fixed immediately. I am just sitting here thinking how elated I was just a few days ago because our financial situation was finally looking up.

Then to add insult to injury I spent an hour on the phone with CHARTER. I don't know if I have ever felt so much anger in my WHOLE life as I did today. We choose to have cable I know what your thinking but Charter has arraged it in such a way that you get hooked by a great deal and 6 months later you raked over the coals..... I know it shouldn't matter but my frustration level is heightened when the person on the other end of the phone...rep and supervisor can't speak English. I know tons of people out of work.... why can't they have those jobs so I don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time just trying to bridge the communication barriers.... SO FRUSTRATED.

Then I have finally decided that I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! This is a big deal for me, for those who don't know. I have been the "big" girl for years. Before I was a Christian I blamed it on my excessive drinking.... now - I have no excuses. My body hurts because I am carrying so much extra weight. It doesn't help the fibro..... and when I told my Rheumatologist that I just hurt so badly- in a way that only a person with chronic pain will understand - he says... go work out. Man, skinny people always have the answer. Doesn't he know that I cry after I get off the treadmill - that it hurts to get past the back pain and shin splint and how when I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable because of the pain - I don' t feel motivated to work out at 6am.

So I have decided that I have to do something about this. I decided to look at some gyms and see what we could do. Now, with what I knew, we're getting ahead - we could finally afford for me to go. We went to Bally's - and after Saturday I was singing their praises. They said that there was a promotion if we signed up by Sunday - being that I was a former member back in the day - a year membership for me would be $99- and to add Michael it would be $18.50/ month. The sales/trainer guy even said that I could 2 months of training for $200-. I went back Sunday - again singing their praises and gave them $99, and wanting to sign on the dotted line for Michael. This was a savings of $15/month from his plan and I get to go too. They called me yesterday - my renewal had still not been processed and they didn't know if the promotion would be valid....

So tonight after 1 HOUR of going back and forth - they were telling me that I had paid $99 and Michael would have to pay A LOT more......are you Flipping KIDDING ME HERE. I don' t think they would have said that if they had known I as on the phone with Charter for an Hour. I was thinking, I'd walk in sign on the dotted line and go and work out. No - I am still in trainer-man's office hearing about how sorry he is but he's controlled by Corporate. I know better - I demand he call his district manager. It got worked out but not without a fight. He must not know the determination of a fat girl wanting a new body......He doesn't know how much I need this and if I could afford to be without an income I would beg and plead to be on "Biggest Loser." I am sick of being the Fat girl.....I had one summer in my whole life where I turned heads.....people saw me for the first time without shaking their heads or saying under their breath ...she'd be pretty if she'd just loose the weight. I am going to battle with the demon that has beat me down for years.... I am going to WAR. And my life depends on winning. And now... I have to find the strength to fight - I am tired today.... I feel like the bullies hit me one after the others... and all I could do was get in a few swings.

And in times like these .... "put your hope in Jesus" just isn't cutting it. I am just going to try and make it though another day.... and keep getting in a few swings at a time and hope that Jesus gives me the strength to do it.

Babies Everywhere

It seems like lately all I hear about is babies....don't get me wrong babies are a blessing from God. But every day, I hear about another person either having a baby or being pregnant. It's enough to make anyone stop and take notice (and realize you don't have one).

Michael and I have not even been married 10 months. So no.... we are not having a baby any time soon. But I am hit with the reality that I will be 31 this year and Michael will be 33. All this baby excitement can go to my head, or should I say heart, more quickly than I would like. With all these new babies around, the benefit is that I can hold, snuggle, love, and spoil these children and then give them back.

We are going to be babysitting for the Fogas's on Saturday so I will be getting my baby fix and like I mentioned....then giving her back. One day we'll have our own and I have to be honest, I hoping it sooner than later. I am starting to get "baby fever" but then again - I don't like getting left out of all this excitment. One thing I know for sure, I have a deep desire and longing to be a mother. And one way or another, sooner or later - God will honor that desire IN HIS PERFECT TIMING.

Happy Birthday Mama

Mom with her only grandchild... for a while.

Just wanted to wish my mom a Happy Birthday

Love you.

Ok... Now I can't sleep

All I want to do is sleep... and guess what ... I can't. I think being sick, multiple medications and benadryl induced commas today are keeping me from getting the beauty sleep that will not cure what going on with my face (big red patch of Uck under my nose).

So I started thinking .... I wonder with all the bad weather, will that affect Michael being able to come home for the weekend. Here's some pics from Lambert Airport. Not promising but a Girl's gotta have Hope.

Please pray that Michael gets home safe. For his sanity and mine. I think I am going to try and sleep now. ....try being the operative word.

Good Friends are like a Good pair of Jeans... they just fit

This past weekend, we celebrated with a wonderful couple at their wedding - Congrats Tim & Emily (pics to come). But because of this wedding, friends came in from all over. My friend Pam came in from Colorado. She was able to come over Friday night, while Michael was at the Bachelor Party with the guys.

Our time together is never rushed, uncomfortable and between the two of us... there is NEVER a loss for words. That Pammy and I, were talkers. Pam was the first woman at the church who I spoke to about anything real. She says that I prepared her for hardcore youth ministry. As a new believer - I WAS A MESS and brought that mess to Jesus and didn't really know what to do with that. Pam, in all her innocence, but with all her grace and mercy, listened and prayed and has seen God do an amazing transformation in me. All credit to God!

Pam has become that person who I can share so much with from silly stories of how my dress got caught in my pantie hose to what God is teaching us both. I love having a friend like her who gets as excited as I do about what the Lord is teaching her. We just went back and forth with amazement of the God we serve.

Pam's journey has led her to Colorado, where she is doing amazing things in ministry. She is reaching out to kids like me (when I was in high school). I love hearing the faithfulness of God and how He is working through her obedience and the call He's put on her life.

You really never know how much you miss having a friend like this around until they leave. I love you Pammy - You make my life more hopeful and you always point me in the right direction. Thanks

So you say there's Global Warming.....

I am hit with laughter at the idea of global warming on a day like to day. This is the worst winter St. Louis has had in years. I have been in the mid-west my entire life and I cannot recall a winter with so much snow, sleet, or ice.

Today I got a text at 7am from Covenant Theological Seminary (my work and school) telling me we were closed due to incremental weather. Therefore, I have not left the house all day. I was not upset by this news since it gave me one more day to recover (which is moving very slowly). There is about, what seems to be from my dining room window view, .25" of solid ice covering my car. The joys of winter. I don't know if you know this about me but I HATE WINTER! If it were up to me we'd live in Arizona or near an ocean somewhere like California.

Benefits for warm weather areas:

1. Depending on where you live, limited humidity - good for this curly girl's hair

2. My body won't ache so much. Cold weather is not good for Fibromyalgia

3. I like sunshine

4. My ideal shoe preference would be flip flops all year round

5. I don't care about seasons. I have memories and that's all I need. Also, isn't that what road trips are for.

6. Digging in the sand is better than digging out your car from a snow/ice storm

7. Did I mention it's good for my hair.... big deal ...very big deal

8. Warm weather does not hold you hostage in your house because it's not safe to go anywhere.

9. I would imagine (not proven), people don't get as sick in warm places. If that's not true, don't tell me - I rather live in my dream world - don't burst my bubble.

10. No dry skin, No cracked lips, and I would have a reason to shave my legs.

OBGYN DOCTOR POST

I did not go to my appointment today. I like my OBGYN office way too much to risk infecting them with my disease. So we've rescheduled for March 21st. One more month....and hopefully I'll be able to breathe by then.

I bet they don't have winters like this in Australia!

(that ones for you Mama Jean)

I'll be the first to admit....

I am a horrible sick person! I have been home in solitary confinement all day. I slept for two hour incriments from 10pm last night to 3:30 pm today. I have had a 102 degree fever all day. I am achy, drippy, sick of coughing, and overall miserable. I am on a heavy dosage of asprin and Mucinex. And did I mention that I've went through 3 boxes of tissues.

To make matters worse, Michael is gone on a business trip. I have no one to take care of me. Yeah I know what your thinking... I am pathetic. My house is trashed....I have no desire to clean when I am coughing up a lung. I also have no desire or the attention span to read for school when I should be... it's hard to read when all my nose does is drip the minute I put my head down to read.... annoying.

And so the Saga continues

Thursday at 1pm I have another OBGYN appointment to have a biopsy of my cervix done, again. I am so sick of this.....I am ready for God to give me the victory in this...like yesterday. Please pray for me and my healing. I'll let you know the results.

Not Doing So Hot

I started feeling sniffly on Sunday after my nap on Sunday.... it's progressed to a full blown cold. I hate feeling like I have someone sitting on my chest....it hurts to breathe. I have tried so hard not to get this - but .....I did not prevail.

So I am sick with no one to take care of me.... Michael is in Alabama...all week. Double Yuck.

And because I don't feel good - this is how I feel as I am suppose to be working until 5 but I've already mentally checked out.

I think I am just going to go home and sleep.... oh yeah - I forgot I have 300 pages to read. Sleeping will have to wait

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Or for those of you who are single.... Happy Singles Awareness Day....

Breaking Free

Only in Christ can we have true Freedom. Yet in our humaness we are held captive by our pasts, burdens, and fears. I feel for the first time God is opening my eyes to the victory He is giving me over the scars of my past. I am healing slowly but surely. I have hope for a new and different life, relationships, and being.

"My Chains are gone, I've been set free, My God my Savior has rescued me"
-Chris Tomlin

Chains can be familiar and even though the they are unlocked and we are free, we stay shackled to them because it is the only way we know. I pray that God gives me the strength to remove the bondage that keeps me from feeling true freedom in Christ and becoming who he wants me to be. I pray the same for you.

May my pain be used for His Purposes to further Glorify the name of Christ.

8 Months of Marriage... and what I've learned so far

I cannot believe that I have been married for 8 months... geeze where does the time go. Well in seriousness and humor here is what I've learned in 8 months of marriage...

1. My love and appreciation for Michael grows every day.
2. I am able to disagree with him without it being a fight
3. He has a real desire to protect me
4. I need to stop getting in the way of him being able to "lead"
5. I look better tan...(looking at honeymoon photos)
6. Silence isn't always bad
7. We will never be on the same sleep cycle. But being tucked into bed isn't just for kids.
8. Even though I am in seminary, I learn a lot about God and His word from my husband's perspective.
9. Grace is needed daily
10. I don't say "I am sorry" or "thank you" enough
11. I don't have to rearrange the dishwasher to my likings after my husband has loaded it. I am learning to be thankful that he loads it.
12. I hate doing laundry even more now...and now I have twice as much
13. I am a lighter sleeper than I though I was.
14. Michael and I both need time with our friends
15. He makes me laugh harder than anyone
16. He makes me feel radiant, when I don't feel so hot.
17. Sacrifice isn't as hard as I thought it was, when I know it will make things better in the long run.
18. I can get by on not shopping every season... I do miss it though
19. God is faithful.
20. I need to listen more than I talk
21. Letting him drive, makes him feel better
22. We have to do things for the better of us, not what other would want.
23. It is nice to have a tall person in the house that can change light bulbs, kill bugs, and reach bowls and dishes out of my reach.
24. I miss having a queen size bed to myself.
25. Michael supports my education and me in ministry.
26. Cooking every night ... has caused me to gain more weight than i ever wanted. (+meds)
27. His hug can calm me down in seconds flat without even a word.
28. He's unfortunately the target of my bad day (sorry honey)
29. Forgiveness is the most important part of a marriage
30. Time and therapy heal all old wounds and allows for new beginnings and keeps us from becoming our parents.
31. I miss him when he's not around

New Computer...blogging again

Our Christmas was spent at HOME.... it was glorious. It was the first year in 6 years that I haven't had to drive 10 hours both ways to Pittsburg. It was so nice to spend time with Michael family in Springfield, MO the weekend before Christmas. We left on Friday and were home on Sunday night.

Christmas Eve, We went to chuch. Then we went to eat dinner at Lone Star Steak house. We came home and watched Christmas movies. We both finished wrapping gifts and then went to bed. The next morning it was just us. We made cinnamon rolls, drank coffee and opened our gifts. It was so fun just the two of us. Shortly after cleaning up ....I started the feast. I started cooking at 9:30am for my Dad and step-mom's arrival. On the Menu:
1. Ham glazed in brown sugar and butter
2. Stuffing
3. Mashed Potatoes
4. Green beans
5. Cranberry sause
6. Salad
7. Rolls
8. Sweet Carrots

And Brenda brought the desserts. We gorged ourselves on food....gultany at its finest. It was nice just spending time with them and they left by 4:30 to go back to Pinckneyville. So Michael and I were back to being by ourselves. And did.... nothing. I had scheduled to go ice skating...but Michael opted to stay in and watch movies. Great First Christmas.... Here's some more pictures.