Burning the Candle at Both Ends....

Today…. I have hit a new level of stress. Over the past week, I have been coming into work every day around 7:30am and working 9 hours w/ no lunch hour away from my desk so that I have enough time to go to one of my best friend’s wedding. She is getting married on Friday. Which means – I have to take off early Thursday for the rehearsal dinner and Friday for the wedding. I also have been doing my own errands for my wedding all week. So let me break this down for you…..
Wake up 6:00 – 6:15am
Work at 7:00 - 7:30am until 4:30-5pm
Errands….all over town
Home around 10:30pm
Bed around 11 (not falling asleep until 12am)

Oh... did I mention I don't do well with little sleep - just ask Michael or my mom.

I am burning the candle at both ends…… I am so tired today… all I can do is cry. I am like a zombie… the walking dead. With STRESS, LACK OF SLEEP, AND EMOTIONAL EXAHUSTION, I don’t think I have anything left in me.

Can this just be over with…..? I am in need of Mexico… and most of all SLEEP. They need to invent Bridal Clones; when you reach one month before the wedding they do things like remind you to brush your teeth, buy groceries, remind you of birthdays and have you sign the card you forgot to buy, can run errands for you while you are trying to earn a living that just will not stretch far enough, and will rub your back until you fall asleep and tell you how you will look beautiful regardless on your wedding day. Then ...after the rehearsal dinner they evaporate into thin air. Kind of like a Fairy God Mother but can look like you so they can sign all the paperwork and try things on for you when you desperately need to go shopping for your honeymoon……

Back to reality…. No bridal clones exist… and I am left to fend for myself… and I have to admit … I am not doing so good.

Don't people say this is the happiest time of your life.... maybe I am doing something wrong. I just don't see it.

I don't know if I can do this. I want to run home from work and get in my bed and put the covers over my head and just escape. Everything is overwhelming me right now. I have too much to do, too little time, and not enough resources. I have already cried 3 times today... I feel like an emotional wreck. I feel like I "CAN'T" do this... but there is this force pushing me onward but its draining me... and it's sucking the life from me. I just want all of this to be OVER WITH.
I have a 2 page list of things I have to do ...... and I feel like I am bothering people with not only my stress but asking for help. I don't recommend any bride have a wedding with all their family and bridal party out of town or MIA. I need help.....

Warning signs of immobilising stress: (aka Nervous Breakdown)
Physical:

1. back pain YES
2. breathing problems Sometimes
3. migraines YES
4. insomnia YES
5. low libido ???

Emotional:

1. Constant worrying YES
2. anxiety YES
3. feeling everything is out of your control and you are trapped. YES

Behavioural:

1. Mood swings YES
2. tantrums Some may call them that...

A Bronze Bride? . . or Burned?

I have been going to the tanning bed, like most brides, so I don't match my dress. For the past week, I haven't been getting more than freckles - so yesterday.... I stepped it up a notch...
NOT SMART - this is not the look I was going for!

I am miserable right now. I crunch.... I don't think skin is suppose to make noise. My back, stomach and the back of my "upper legs" - if you know what I mean...It hurts.... Too bad it's not winter - I could heat my whole house with just me. I am radianting heat.

I am glad I got my burn out of the way but at the same time... OUCH.
Not the desired results I was looking for.... I had something more in mind like ... this
Golden brown sun-kissed to let me look like a bikini model (without the ridculously skinny body). But what should I expect. My body has not been exposed to sun in a few years... I think it actually has rejected the effects of sunlight in the past... and it again rejects it by reacting in pain.....

Well the whole reason I am doing this is because last year I participated in a carwash to help our youth ministry raise money.
7 Hours in the sun with a black tanktop on equals you guessed it the TAN LINE THAT WON'T GO AWAY... I have had a permanent bib on my chest from the scoop of the tank top for 1 year now.... it hasn't gone away... and I didn't think a Bib shaped tan line would compliment my dress. So now I am red, crunchy, and hoping this turns into a tan. I will, none the less be taking some days off from tanning.... but can somone get me some more lotion....

The Wedding Party ....
(Carin's Side )
The women I have chosen to participate in my wedding are not only friends but they are also sisters, and I would go as far as to say my female soul mates. You can't go through life without friends like this.

Staci (Mathenia) Blankenship:
(or as I refer to her as "Bob")

Staci has been my best friends since the BFF necklaces were popular. We have truly been friends for over 23 years. I spent half my childhood at her house. Her parents were my parents, and we were always scheming something no matter where we were. Staci and I have went through breakups, hardtimes, comin' to Jesus, and getting married and her having her first child. She and I knew each other so well that we could tell that something was wrong just by the song playing in the background. Chicago's Greatest Hits was a dead give away that the other was needed STAT. She was the first person I told I was marrying Michael and she has been my prayer warrior ever since. Staci is one of the reasons I am with Michael today. Staci grew up Christian, I, the Catholic heathen, had to go to church with her whenever we spent the the night together. If those seeds had never been planted, I wouldn't be a Christian today. She is one of the major reasons I have been able to Change MY LIFE the way I have. And (here's the connection) if not for me accepting Christ, I would not be able to marry such a wonderful Godly man. Thank you Staci. I love you.

Christine Patrice Philpott
(or otherwise known as "Goat Girl" or "Chrusty")
Christ came into my life and ruined all my Barbie Dolls and took all my mom's attention. But seriously, Christi is full of life - and full of surprises. She moved out to Los Angeles about 3-4 years ago. She surfs, works 2 jobs and will soon be going to school to finish her degree in Elementary Ed. She is absolutely drop dead georgeous! and the best part is she has no idea how amazing she is which makes her even more beautiful. Christi is a great sister, she is very similar to Cameron Diaz's character in The Sweetest Thing. Funny, quirky, and always up for a good time. Look for her on the dance floor at the wedding - she'll be there.

Kelly Lynne Philpott
(or otherwise known as "Krelly")

Kelly is the my baby sister. She came into my life when I was seven. She was an utter disappointment - I wanted a brother. But i have grown to love her. She is sooooo super talented. She is not only a bridesmaid but also my florist. She is an apprentice at a flower shop and is an artist and has even had her own vintage clothing store. She is the Artist in the family. She is the best Storyteller and can make me laugh so hard I wheeze. Kelly has a soft and loving spirit and would do anything for anyone.Things are never dull with Kelly around. Did I mention she has turrets? LOL - Kelly I love you!

Jennifer Martin (Also know as the best pledge daughter)

Jen and I met in college during rush week. She pledged my sorority, Sigma Kappa. And we've been friends ever since. We share a love of Dave Matthews and sharing good meals. She just recently moved to St. Louis from Columbia, MO. She is currently looking for PR/Journalism or promotional work... so if you know of anything let me know. She's great! The life of the party... never a dull moment with Jen around. She has been such a great friend and I can't imagine my life without her.

Little Leci Lou -

Leci is one of our two flower girls. She is the daughter of two of our very dear friends, Megan and Kenny. She s full of personality and I can't wait to see how she steals the show. I am her Tata (aunt in italian) - when she was younger Carin was impossible for her to say... so I am now and will be her Tata...She is my bella. She looks beautiful in her dress and will be wearing her new "tappie shoes" with her princess dress. She is such a doll baby.

Okay... can I have your attention.....

I HAVE ONLY 22 DAYS till our WEDDING!!!!

• I have totally failed in my diet
• I have way too much to do
• I am finishing finals
• I have only 35% of my RSVP's Back - need more "no's"
• I need to talk to my caterer for the rehersal, send in my floor layout for the reception, and somewhere along the way I need to see the man I intend to marry so I can recognize him at the wedding.
• I have to find my weding jewelry and the special outfit for latter that night....
• I need to clone myself so that why I am at work the other me can do things like work on the program, pick all the scriptures and vows and go and pick up our marriage license.

Please pray for me.... I might just loose it

Or I might be long gone......

The Music Must still go on.....
As some of you know... my guitar player has bailed on me with 28 days to go to my wedding. I am trying to matter that at the end of the day I will be married..... but it's still disappointing. I keep telling myself that it is more about the message that will go forth from that place that could change lives more than the music. But I am left with a brat-like feeling of "I DON'T WANNA!!" when it comes to the suggestion of playing a CD. It's just not what i had envisioned when I heard, saw and thought of me walking down the isle to Canon in D on acoustic guitar. You don't get that mellow, chill, and classic feel when you stick in a CD. I am praying that God will lead me to someone that can help .... for a minimal cost. I am going to have to give up something in order to get them.... I just don't know how much yet. I have called Webster University Music department and Missouri Baptist University for their students. But I have not received a call back. I would be lying if I said I am not nervous. But God has told me over and over through chapel at school, through reading His word and through friends he uses in my life to remind me that worrying will not bring a solution but peace comes from the Lord. And our Lord gives good gifts to those who love him because he cares for us. I have to put my certainity in God and his faithfullness to me, and He is a Good God who loves me.

30 Days to go......

For those who don't know our story...Check it out here:
http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/CarinPhilpott&MichaelSchindler

Thank you for all those who have been praying for us during this very stressful time. I have one more class to go. After May 8th, I am done with the semester. I am taking the summer off to get use to being a "wife" - - - whoa that's weird to say. I am still tripping over the fact that my name will change...I will be Carin Schindler.... still weird. I've been told I will get used to it.

I am at the point of "ahhhhhhh" about every 5 seconds. I can't believe how much we have to do and I am having a relatively simple wedding. So much to do and so little time.

In this time of Craziness... I would like to share how we've been blessed during the past weeks:
1. My mom and sisters visited from out of town for my wedding shower and they saw my dress for the first time. They cried... and guess what the dress I ordered 2 sizes smaller not only fits but zipped perfectly. The bra even worked ... I guess the $90 was worth it.
2. Oh did I mention the dress FITS!!!!
3. We've had 3 showers that have refurnished our entire kitchen with all new cooking necessities.
4. I am almost done paying "bills" from the wedding.
5. Michael and I get to go on a "FUN" date on Saturday. We're going to the Card's game (if it doesn't rain).
6. My sister did a mock of the centerpeices for reception - it was wonderful!!! - Thanks Kelly (a very talented florist)
7. Our house flooding issue is being taken care of - YEAH
8. Chewy (my Dog) is now sporting his summer hairdo - the funny thing is ... I feel like I need to put some pants on him... he's a little naked for a dog.... LOL

So many more blessings ... I could go on for days... but I will leave them for another entry. Plus I have to get back to work....

It's Pouring Blessings .... Wedding Showers
I have been so blessed by co-workers and friends by the 2 of 4 showers I have been able to have so far. My first, was hosted by the wonderful co-worker: Emily Loveall. She organized the party below from the spred to the wonderful gifts. Thank you Emily and all those who contributed to the presents at Covenant.

Jackie Fogas, Nicole Olivestro, Kelly Maxwell Penny, Jeremey, Jane, Betty

Stuffin' our faces w/ all the good food. Thank you to all those who came to the shower.
Friends' Shower thrown by my matron of honor Staci (Mathenia) Blankenship
Staci invited all my best girlfriends to the Log Cabin at Covenant Seminary. It was a dreary rainy day but it was fun for us. Staci and I started running errands around 10am after staying up until 3am. (Not a smart idea - being that I do well w/ little sleep). I had so much fun... even the games weren't painful. And the gifts... man oh man are Michael and I blessed. We got everything from a toaster to backing sheets. It's so nice to start out with such wonderful things in our house to make it a home. Pictures below are from that shower. Thank you ladies for all who came.

Staci had a cake made just like the invitation... it was SOooooooo Good.

The games were painless.... and 6 people went home w/ great prizes.

I hope all the ladies had as much fun as I did. I am blessed to have 2 more showers:

1st) In Pinckneyville in which my mom and sisters will be there.

2nd) Thrown by my church, a couples party..that should be so fun.

What is love.... and what's Hebrew have to do with it?

The symbol above is the Hebrew expression for Love - it has 3 parts.

1. Raya

A Love that is shared among friends, admiration. Translated as friend, or companion, someone you hang out with.

2. Ahava

It is the love of the will. it is more profound than romantic feelings. This is murch more than temporary urges. Ahava is making the decision to join your life to the life of another. This is an emotion that leads to commitment.
Love in Hebrew is "Ahava" , which is made up of three basic Hebrew letters, . These three letters actually are broken down into two parts: a two letter base or root, , and the first letter, , which is a modifier. The meaning of the two letter base, , is "to give". The letter "aleph" , which precedes these two letters comes to modify the meaning of the base word, "give". The meaning of , is "I give" and also "love".

The answer to that question can be found in the ancient language of Hebrew. In Hebrew the word for love is "ahava." Every Hebrew word has its root word from which its meaning is derived. The root word of ahava is hav, which means to give. In other words, loving is synonymous with giving. Love is the constant choice to give to another. You don't fall in love; you create love. You act lovingly, by giving to your partner

3. Dod

The love that is only experienced with the blessings of Marriage. A love that unites two people into one, that creates a the intamacy. Dod is the physical, sexual element to a relationship.

We mistake things like friendship, commitment, or lust for love, but God wired us a certain way to experience all that love was really meant to be. Not to hold us back or to make us miss out on the best that life has to offer. God created love, and wants us to feel it all in the way it’s meant to be felt.

If you have one of these, you might be at the begining of love but it can never be the end. A complete love will have all three elements, with God's Timing. Using one of these out of context will cause the misuse of love.

Michael and I will have these words engraved on our rings....Raya - on my engagment ring since that's where it started. On his wedding ring, we have Ahava for our commitment to one another and then Dod on my wedding rings since this element of love we now get to experience in the bonds of our marriage.Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-13)

All love comes from God, who is it's creator, but we must be good stewards of the blessings of love He gives us.

The UNINVITEDs
(those we do not speak of.....)

So.... It is amazing how bold people can be. The closer the wedding gets the more assumptions I am faced with. It's now becoming a daily occurrence that a person asks "When is your wedding?" but the new phenomenon is ....the response of "I can't wait for it." ..... Hmmmmmmm - really?

My confusion is that these are people NOT on the guest list and in no way have I led them to believe they are invited.

I am just blown away by the boldness.... hopefully this will stop after the invitations are sent out... but maybe not. I feel bad but I am bound to 240 people availability at the reception site. NO MORE PEOPLE WILL FIT. The church is small, too. I have already overbooked myself. I have invites going to 300 people... remember only 240 can really come... I hope it all works out. I hate this! It's uncomfortable... but it's like saying to people .... you're not important enough in my life to spend $30 on you.... It's not that..

I would think that most people would not want to come anyway once they realize there will not be any alcohol... NONE. Michael and I have invited people that have invested in us as a couple or in us individually throughout the years (or that we have to because they were on our parents' guestlists).

How many people are suppose to be on top of the Cake?

"IN-LAWS"

This is such a touchy subject right now for Michael and I. I have not lived at home since I was 18. I moved out to go to Mizzou and never came back. My parents (3 sets of them) have all cut their appron strings long ago. My parents know that I am a busy "woman" and my life leaves very little room for much extracirricular activities - like meeting every whim they may have. My parents have their faults but I think for the most part they see me as an adult (I just don't know as much as they do). I know what your thinking.. Carin if your parents are such a delight and are evolved "What's the Problem????"

Michael came back from college and .... moved back home and NEVER LEFT. In his defense, he was sick, and then recoverying from cancer so he didn't have the opportunity to move out. 8 years later, he's at home, frustrated and ready to leave. Needless to say, Mama Schindler has attachment issues.....She ready to get him out of her house... but I am not sure she's ready to let him go.

Maybe I am hypersentative, I am a VERY independent person. I can't stand people placing unrealistic expectations on me. Or place it on me without my knowledge and then being mad that I fell short. FRUSTRATED!!!!

Another thing, Michael's mom asked Michael what we were doing the morning after we're getting married... ((((((WHAT))))))) - Does she really want to know? Michael and I have kept our purity no secret... we have some catching up to do and maybe just relaxing and getting ready for our honeymoon, which we are leaving on Monday. She told him that she would come up to our house and make dinner or we could go down there... WHAT......I don't want to even see my parents after my wedding. I feel like the picture above ... too many people wants to be on the cake. There is a time for family, but ... From June 2 @ 11:45pm - June 12 @ 8am - FAMILY FREE ZONE. I have a feeling that protecting our maritial boundaries is going to be an ongoing struggle. Pray for me!

Let us Eat Cake...
So the cake....I HATE ICING - so the idea of a BIG SLAB of cake covered in sugar makes me kind of grossed out. I have a student in my high school ministry that is a talented baker - and so much more. She is making our "Cupcakes".

Cupcakes eliminates the need for cake cutters ... that I would never use again (let's face it there's enough keepsakes from the wedding that could fill an attic- one more thing is not needed) Cupcakes eliminates the need for servers - each person can come up and get their own cupcake... and you don't need plates... it all ADDS UP in the saving side. It's also much easier to store a cupcake for your 1st anniversary than a hunk of cake.
We are building our own cake stand that will look like square cake and then the cupcakes will be on that. All my projects are great and saving me lots of money but they are about to put me in the grave... it will all be worth it when I look back and see that I paid for it all by myself (w/ a little help from my parents) without putting anything on credit!

Plus I am excited about song while we share cake ----"How sweet it is to be loved by you" by My family's favorite person ever ---- James Taylor.

The Photographer....

This is actually one of the things Michael and I agreed on....The photographer is one of the most important parts of our wedding. We can't do that part over....and the pictures are forever.

We actually interviewed 4-5 different photographers.... it was grueling. Everything starts to mush together and some were steals and others were really overpriced! In the end ....we found someone that after we left the meeting Michael exclaims - " I love them, they actually talked to me!" This for us was a huge deal because many in the wedding industry only acknowledge the "Bride" forgetting it takes a couple for a wedding to happen.

Because we wanted a June wedding but Michael wanted to really take his time with the proposal...We actually booked our photographer in July and didn't get engaged until August 18th. What we found though was that everyone that had the style we wanted were going FAST!
So after interviewing the BEST PHOTOGRAPHY STAFF EVER... we put our deposit down with Bobbi Brinkman Photography. (www.bobbibrinkmanphotography.com) and they have a blog on blogspot (www.bobbibrinkmanphotography.blogspot.com). Their shots are AMAZING and one of the BIGGEST reasons we hired them was they "got" us. The saw our vision for the wedding the passion we have for the Lord, they take amazing pictures and...... they talked to Michael (lol). They also made it quite clear that they would be there to protect me....people get bossy at weddings... and it's usually not the bride. She said she could serve the tough love when I couldn't. I appreciate that... because as you all know.. it doesn't take much for me to cry. And i want all my tears that day to be from JOY not frustration at family and the unexpected.

Bobbi, Tina and Dell are a delight to work with. They have been an unbelievable resource for things and so helpful. They did our engagement shots ... here are just a few from that day last fall.

Our Honeymoon . . .

We have been blessed... that we are even going on a honeymoon. We saved $1500 for our honeymoon to get us started.... My car broke down and 2 weeks later the savings was GONE. My bio-dad, Alex, heard about it and then PAID for our honeymoon as our wedding gift. We couldn't have went anywhere without his generosity. So now Michael and I have 7 days to look forward to in Tulum Mexico - in the Mayan Rivieria.

We are going to the Dreams Resort : http://www.dreamsresorts.com/tulum/
This is what I am looking forward to .. the big payoff for ALL THIS STRESS



My favorite pictures are these.....(Just daydreaming about being there)


God is sooooo Good... I can't wait to go....Mexico Here we come.

The Ceremony

We are planning a night candlight ceremony at our church. I am really excited about it - I just hope it works out and there is enough light for the photographer.

Because the architecture (or lack there of) at our church we are adding some dramatic elements like a Chuppa. A traditionally Jewish wedding canopy - Michael and I are not Jewish but like the way this will look and it covers the hole in the wall that is our Baptistry perfectly.

or Another Version is this:

59 Days to Go....

Wedding Attire

The Bridesmaid dresses Were, ARE, and will forever be the "Baine" of my existence.

But this is what they look like .... I am excited about them. And my sister Kelly said they are very comfy.

(In Black)

I have 2 flower girls... Helene (3 1/2) and Leci (2 1/2) and this is their dress

(Black Sash)

Aren't they going to be SOOOO Cute... I can't wait. Leci is excited about getting what she calls new "tappy" shoes.

The Dress.....

It all started in August when, my mom, sisters: Christi and Kelly, my step-mom - Brenda, my dad, Michael's Mom - Bonnie, my girlfriends Becca, and Jen (Bridesmaid) all went Dress Shoping
Word to the wise: ONLY TAKE 1-3 PEOPLE WITH YOU. Otherwise- too many opinions.

What I thought was going to be the most magical day ever... trying on wedding dresses "every little girl's dream" was one of the worst experiences of my life (that's a bit extreme..but I was ready to elope after this.) Parts of it were fun... like the picture below:

Lunch after dress trying-on at Demetrios. Beautiful dresses all over $1000- Out of my price range.

Again.. dress shopping next to a bunch of early 20 year olds will really make you realize that your body changes A LOT from 21 to 29. And shopping for wedding dresses is only fun if you wear a size 8 or smaller.







My Dad was such a good Sport.... hanging w/ the girls... thanks Daddy.








This is when things got Crazy....

At this point... everyone had their favorites... I still felt like none of them were right (they didn't make me cry).

I had tried on like a million dresses... which is a work out in a half.

Don't you like the "bib" tan line from a Youth fundraiser 10 months prior.... geeze.



The dress did not get found this day but weeks later when I went "just Becca & I"
It was much more relaxed and we both were on a mission. Becca is getting married the week before me and we both loved each other enough not to put each other in our weddings. We went to the first store... HORRIBLE customer service - I put dresses on her and then she helped me... no help from the staff. We LEFT

We finally arrived at Wedding Creations in Washington, MO. Where the minute I walked in, I was drawn to this dress in the display window. But didn't think much about it. I tried on dress after dress w/ no success. I then remember .... "the dress in the window" (I am thinking of that doggie in the window song my papa used to sing to me). Anyway... the sales person brought it to me and I tried it on.....

IT WAS PERFECT -

Becca and I both teared up and I knew it was the "One"!

And the details pile up and up and up

This feels true for me.. since I don't ever see Michael. I have seen him less since we have been engaged. Monday is bible study, Tuesday night is class, Wednesday night - we see each other at youth group but ...we're at youth group. Thursday night we have our date night... and since we have NO money (weddings are expensive) ....it consists of dinner (that I cook) and Grey's Anatomy....

If I could save anyone "my" headaches... ELOPE

Details that I am dealing w/ right now...

1. My invitations should be in this week so I will be stuffing them, labeling them and getting postage...and praying that i didn't forget anyone.

2. Making sure that all the flowers are completed.

3. Finishing Guest Book, Unity Candles and starting on Programs

4. Praying for sanity.

Pictures to come of details of the wedding.